Sharlene's last post really got me thinking and prompted me to start this thread:  Did we marry mice or men?

I think we all would agree that if the men we married were stronger in regards to supporting us and not allowing their evil mothers to ruin our lives and come in between our marriages, then 90% of the problem would be resolved.

So the question is: How much of the responsibility for the issues going on are due to the evil mothers, and how much are due to the husbands not having the cajones to stand up for their wives (and themselves), grow up a bit and let go of mommy's umbilical cord, and be real partners in this marriage?

In my case, my hubby definately does not have a spine to confront his mother, and he continually defends her if I so much as mention that her saintliness might have the slightest tarnish to her halo.  God forbid, then, if I insinuate that the woman is manipulative and cold.

The biggest fights my hubby and I have involve that stupid woman, and I suspect the same is true for many of you, too!

There are times when I (probably like many of you) attempt to ignore the woman and pretend the situation doesn't exist, but as we all know, we cannot always ignore our inner feelings.  We are constantly rejected, critisized and plotted against. How can we forget that?  The worst part is when our hubbies, who are supposed to be our protectors (and not to be sexist, I also feel we are to be THEIR protectors against anyone who is evil in our own families who might be treating our hubbies poorly) allow their families to treat us the way that they do and upset us.

So, we seem to have 2 dilemnas here:  The evil MIL and the spineless (and sometimes blind and deaf to their mothers evilness) husbands.

It absolutely turns my blood to magma whenever my hubby defends his mother immediately without any regard for how I am feeling. He doesn't say "I see what you are saying, and I can see how it would hurt you. I'm not saying my mother did it on purpose, but I can see why it would hurt you".  Oh no, he couldn't possibly say THAT, because he actually DOESNT see that what his mother does (or doesn't do - ie. when she never contacts me) could hurt me.

So, let's chat about our husbands, eh?  We don't want to diss them, because we love them so much, but let's be honest, ladies...half our problems would not exist if these men could cut that umbilical cord.

This post was last modified: 03-26-2008 10:28 AM by mainegirl.

TRUE VERY TRUE.... I had to explain to dh that when he got married, that his "family" and priority turned to his wife (me) and our future kids....
he was told it was his parents his whole life b/c they raised him... WTF.
so I discovered that was part of the problem; his mom was still taking 1st priority b/c that is what he was told was to happen....
He's working on it.... I have a feeling it may take a while to really get rolling since its been inbetted into his head for almost 30 years.
It did explain a lot though when he said that.... the light went off for me....
that's why MIL would scoff at me and then turn to dh and ask the same question when she didn't like my answer or when she would do what she wanted when she wanted in my house b/c it wasn't actually mine.... it was dh's and she was "his first priority"... it also shed some light as to why her name was on all my stuff (car, checking, account, credit cards, phone bills etc...) That's how she wanted it and dh just went along with it.....
It just makes so much sense.

Yes, I can totally relate, with my dh, the excuse is, 'They're not doing it cos they are hard of heart, they do it to everyone and just don't realise....' (does that make it okay??!!!).  I can also relate about the money stuff, my dh works at his parents business and instead of giving him cash they pay our rent, I live in fear of her getting upset with me again, and refusing to pay our rent the day that it is due or something.........

Oh Caiti, that's tough!  I think your hubby needs to delicately insist upon getting paid as a regular employee, whether in actual check form or cash under the table, although I would advise against cash under the table because then if they refuse to pay him, your hubby has no recourse legally other than to quit.

I agree; a paycheck SHOULD be the way to go!

Thanks guys, I will discuss it with him, hopefully he will catch on!!  That would definitely alleviate my worry every month!

i just realised how my hubby can be such a 'mice'/ ignorant a*se. We drove his father home the other night and i mentioned that i put some of my bils gfs childs pictures on facebook and he had a big go at me saying who gives you the right to do that, i dont think you should be adding peoples pcitures. i stood up for myself, but hubby agreed with his dad. i was so pissed off and he didnt realise.
i think it was cos i added pics of sils bfs daughter and sil is gutless and wont speak to me about things since she tried to attack me once before and i shut her up quickly with the thousand things she has done.
last week mil waited til everyone left the room and had a go at me cos of one of my freinds on facebook.
i have just made sil so limited on my profile that she can hardly see a thing...and next time they have a go at me on behalf of her im gonna go straight to her. or get hubby to actually do something about it.

I'm still waiting to be stood up for. Supposedly he's spoke to her while he was at work so I didn't hear any of the conversation. Within a week of their conversation I started getting nasty emails again which now if I reply which is seldom I CC hubby. This tells me she has no intention of respecting his wishes or mine. Since she has absolutely no respect at all, I've decided she doesn't deserve any in return. I absolutely refuse to be in the same room with her. I'm getting nervous b/c we may have to move and it will be a move closer to her. The thought of having to see her daily makes me physically ill literally. I only see her about 7 times a year and she manages to make each meeting more miserable then the previous one.

I am so sick to death of hearing 'You are just being too sensitive' or 'That's just the way my family is' or 'I never heard her say that' that I am thinking of getting a voice activated tape recorder and having a visit with mommy dearest.

God it would be so nice to truly be stood up for. But in all actuality I'm pretty sure its going to be me standing up for myself before anyone else does.

see i am happy to stand up for myself...but for them to support that would be a plus...like if you say something they should simple add yess mum you were out of line there.

Poorammie, unfortunately I understand the issue. My SIL posted pics of my son on her facebook page, and I was pretty p!$$ed about it. It is not her child to post pics of, and she never even asked me first.  Maybe you could just make sure that the mother is ok with it, you know?

Katalyst, I FINALLY realized that NOT emailing my evil MIL is the best way to go! Don't even engage in the back-and-forth game, because even if you say something completely innocent and sweet, she will find a way to turn it into a problem.  Just stop emailing her alltogether. I promise, you'll be sooooo much happier - I know I am!