First, this sil hasn't expected anymore of me than she expects of herself. And, until this past year, I have considered her a much loved friend. She is generous, compassionate, kind, and loves family. However, at the beginning of the year I started to evaluate our relationship. I realized that while she is an awesome friend, she really isn't that great of a sil...

When she is being a sil, she orders both of us around. Tells us how to manage our money, tells us how to raise our children (and we have twice as many as her), tells us what and how we should react to her family. She is extremely negative. But here is the worst. She is a pot stirrer. She was constantly calling me and telling me the gossip in the family about us. Now, before you react to strongly, she has always maintained she was on our side. She has had several huge arguments with her parents about the ongoing feud between us and them, where she stood up for us. So, when she would call, she would be giving us warnings like- "I am just letting you know that mom said she was sick of having to 'schedule appointments' to see her grandchildren and by the way, shes planning on popping in on you this week!", "I talked to ____ (another sil) and she says she is so angry at you, she is going to come slap your face!", "Dad is so mean he doesn't even acknowledge your marriage or speak your name- he calls you "THAT woman", etc.  And here is the part that was making me want to pull my hair out... when I reacted to what she said, like "Fine then, see if we ever try to make up with him again(about his dad)" she would say "Oh, you want to be bigger than that, don't you? No, you should now try even harder to make up with him so he feels guilty for what he has said! Otherwise you're just like him!" I find this something to pull my hair out about. How can she tell me poison and expect me to swallow it with a smile? She begged me to have another sil over to my home after the babies were born. She is an addict, so I wouldn't budge. She begged and begged, saying that this sil's feelings were hurt and if I would PLEASE have her over, she would supervise her. So I did. When she was leaving, we both thanked her and my sil hugged her to tell her what a help she had been, and afterwards I said "I am glad you made me do this, it actually went well I think". She says "You think so? I found her passed out in the nursery while the kids were eating cardboard boxes". !!! And she thanked her, hugged her??? So I say "Thats the last time I have her in my house" and she says "That will make ___ feel bad about herself! She already has so many struggles, no, you should invite her again!".

And over time I realized that none of his family had face to face conflicts with us. Everything I heard about them- all the ugliness- was things that was relayed to me through my sil. I started to think this was an unhealthy relationship, and that we were breeding negativity and it was causing me to hate my husbands family. And not only that, but where my sil said she was being "used" to relay information to us, I wondered if it couldn't just be her family venting and perhaps none of it was meant to ever reach our ears. I certainly slam my sister every now and then to my mom, and vice versa. Nothing I even meant, just ranting when she has gotten on my nerves over petty things I don't feel I need to address to her directly. If my sister or mom repeated those things, I would be completely devastated. And feel betrayed.

And the worst is that I felt like hearing all this negativity affected my parenting. That there was no way for me to listen to all these "confidences" about trash being spoken about my dh and I, and it not make me frustrated and stressed. This all came to a climax a few months back when I emailed some pictures around and only sent to the addresses I had memorized. My sil went on and on about how it would be interpreted as me "purposefully shunning" certain members of her family. I kept saying "I have four kids under 2 years of age- I don't have time for this, just forward the pictures around to who wants them, I don't care who sees them, I just don't have the addresses memorized". She went on and on about how it would cause a big family blowup. Pictures! And then said "and its going to affect your dh... they will blame HIM!" I hung up the phone crying after telling her I would stop diapering the babies right that minute and go look up all the other addresses and send the pictures on TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

So, I made a decision to not listen to or participate in conversations about negativity again. And this has led to a huge blowup between us and my sil. She told me something VERY hurtful another sister said about me, and I told her that I would rather have not heard that. She said "Oh, you would rather have been taken off guard when she said it to your face?" and I said "Yes. Because as of yet she has never said ANYTHING to my face. But the seeds of bitterness that hearing this plans in my heart are going to grow and affect my relationship with her from hearing it from you. I would rather not participate in these sorts of conversations again".

She says "Your lashing out at ME and I didn't create this mess. I am in the middle so you're going to shoot the messenger?"

I said "Why are you in the middle? If it upsets you to hear these negative things being said about us, I can empathize. But do as I just did. The next time they start, say 'No, I would rather not hear this' and change the subject. Its not personal, its just an attempt to protect my heart from anger and frustration about situations beyond my control."

Now is that AWFUL? She told me off, told my husband off, and hasn't spoken to us in a month. Said she was our only supporter and now she sees how we treat our friends. That she can't believe how mean I was to her, and obviously I was taking out my anger on her family on HER and she is an innocent victim. She said this directly, in email, and on a call to my husband. I emailed her and told her I appreciated her support, and just because I didn't want to hear negative conversations didn't mean I didn't appreciate HER and would continue to. But that I had to do this for myself. She wrote me back and said I needed to learn how to apologize and how she wasn't used to dealing with overly sensitive people. I don't think I owe an apology so I haven't sent one.

Anyhow, so now I wonder if I have been completely wrong about her all these years. I just can't imagine a "friend" treating me this way. Or my husband. And I made it very clear I was just setting those boundaries to make our relationship healthier!

Wow... there is no telling why she reacted that way. I think you could speculate all day long and only she would be able to tell you the real reason.

I believe that it was healthy for you to ask her to stop telling you what ILs were saying about you. We are all different... some of us would rather know what was being said about us, and some would rather not. If you realized that SIL telling you what the others said was the main thing causing you to not like your IL, it was a wise move to ask her to not tell you anymore.

If you miss her in your life, try again to explain your reasons. Let her know that you miss your friendship but that it was causing you too much stress/anxiety to constantly know what the ILs were saying about you...

Sorry....sucks being in a fight with a friend..... Hang in there.

Now mind you, this is my own epiphany...

Hearing about information (gossip) second hand is participating in triangular communication and thats as dysfunctional as the person who started it. It just leads to more anger, resentment, and bitterness. I have known this for years, yet allowed myself to get sucked into the situations because it was juicy and I thought I wanted to know. I guess I finally remembered "myself". No, I don't want to know hurtful things, and the person who tells you those things is as accountable for your feelings as the person who said them... and worse, if I continued to listen, then *I* am to blame for any hurt feelings I have since I know better.

My husband had an argument with one of his sisters last weekend and by the way she was gesturing, I could tell she was talking crap about me. She kept pointing toward our home, and then slamming her hand angrily down on her chest. It was *obvious*. When he came inside, he repeated the things she said about him and how he handled it. Everything he said was "right on". Afterwards I said "what did she say about me?" He said "nothing". I said "thats not true, I could tell she was saying things about me" he said "Nothing I couldn't handle, and nothing I can remember". I knew when he said it that he was protecting me, and I hugged him so hard and told him I trusted him to say the right things, and I didn't need to know, he was right. It would just have made me feel helpless and frustrated. What a relief to know he handled it!

I did write her a long email explaining myself. Thats what she lashed out the worst about. It made her angry for me to "justify" my behavior to her. I actually took all the emails to a friend who is a therapist and asked her to read them. She said everything I wrote was validating to my sil and well worded. She said my sil sounded like she had issues of her own and would have latched on to anything I said in a negative manor.

What was weird is that its the first time in 6 years I have ever openly disagreed with her. She disagrees with me all the time and gives me advice and tells me how to handle things, but I had never done so back. The first time I express disagreement she goes off about how much I don't appreciate her. My guess is that this would of happened years ago if I wasn't a peacemaker and generally held my tongue.

I don't know if I miss her or not. I feel like shes not capable of having a relationship with us thats separate from her family. I think it would of continued to be a source of tension and right now I am actually enjoying the reprieve. Sad...

I completely understand THAT! I am in a similar situation with my own sister. We have not spoken in months - b/c we disagreed. She cannot stand anyone disagreeing with her - and I finally got tired of being a peacemaker - and said "F-it! I am not going to sweep another one of her nasty tantrums under the rug"... Now we are not speaking and it is awfully peaceful...... (with the acception that she is using her son against me... he always stays with me for a week during the summer  - has for 9 years - and she will not allow him to this summer b/c I quote "hate her" - okay dramatic 4-year-old)... mind you, I did nothing but disagree with her and stand my ground on my reasons... and she can't handle it.. SO, I completely understand where you are coming from.... Hang in there... Like I said, I believe you are very wise to realize that hearing 2nd hand comments was poisoning your feelings towards your ILs..

Ugh. This mirrors what I read in "Toxic Inlaws". I told my husband I thought we were drawn together by being raised by mutually warped families. LOL My sister is exactly like that. I love her dearly, but, if you disagree with her, or don't like something she says, it means you don't like *her*. So frustrating!!!

my sil, bils gf and mil are all like this. and prob me to a part too really. but mil makes sides to her fam, all centred around sil. its so annoying. so its either me on the outer with them three at me, or us outlaws.
its so annoying cos i really dont wanna be involved but they all cause so much conflict and never deal with things the way they should and constantly bitch and make up shit all the time.
i tell mil while she support that behavious its going to continue to happen. i am happy to make peace enough with all of them so we can at least have family funtions in peace. but i cant fix the world- no one can. and thats the hard thing when joining a family. we are able to critique it cos we looking from the outside.
and adding a male to a family mustnt be as difficult as they are male haha. and maybe adding a female to the equation can make things harder.