My mil lives less than a 1 away, but after how she treated us over last years holidays, we at first pulled back from having her visit here, and then ultimately decided we don't want her here at all. Can you blame me? Until we apologize for some circumstances surrounding our wedding, we aren't welcome in their home- PERIOD! But, they have expected to still be welcome in *ours*. THEY feel they are acting upon principle and therefore shouldn't be "punished". *whatever*

DH's mom called twice at the end of June. We didn't take or return her calls, and then I already posted about his sister showing up here and all the crap she said about us "closing the door of communication" with his mom over the weekend of the 4th. Its been a month since she called.

So, his mom called twice this past weekend, and leaves messages like this:

"Son. I am beginning to think you are avoiding me. I haven't spoke to you in ages (since March). Please call me and tell me how the babies are".

Please insert your most hateful, whiney, and vindictive tone.

Well, Duh? Of course we are avoiding you!!!

He started to call her and tell her "Yes we are avoiding you", and I reminded him how she first attacks you, then bursts into tears if you defend yourself or counter attack. So, instead he is going to email.

Its just funny, because if she cared and missed us, you would think she wouldn't wait 6-8 weeks between phone calls, and when she did call she would act concerned or something. Not snide.

It sounds like you and I have very similar situations, twinkletoes...

Every time I read one of your posts, it hits close to home for me...
My FMIL sounds the same as yours... and she, too, is currently "punishing" my FH with no phone calls/communication with him... (she'll talk to the ex-wife, but not her own son).... Well, she does call to ask favors, but THATS IT!

Hang in there.. I truly believe that these women are intentially avoiding their sons, and see it as some justified punishment for not getting "their way"...It's revenge/punishment. And I agree with you.. if they REALLY cared about their sons and grandchildren, they would be a little more flexible in their expecations; and they WOULD reach out and try to make things better - or at least try for come sort of neutral ground, so that everyone gets along. It's all about CONTROL...

Hang in there!!!

Wow! What a hypocrit! I think your husband should not even bother with a response. If he must e-mail then keep it short and simple like "We are choosing to keep our distance at this time". I've been thru all that BS!!! It never really lasts though. She ends up shoving her way back in with tears and pleads about changing. BS! I'm sorry twinkletoes, but your mil is looney.

Hey that is wonderful news.  She finally got the message that you don't want to talk to someone whom makes you feel microscopic.  Don't be sad...be glad.  You had how many wonderful MIL free days?
I think we all need to keep count of the days where our MIL's didn't stick their long green warty nose's in their tortured daughter-in-laws marriage.

I would actually prefer something like "We are choosing to keep our distance at this time" as well, but, I know my husbands family, they aren't happy until they have THE fight. She knows we are avoiding her, and she has started calling dh at work (he doesn't answer those calls either). Its only a matter of time before she shows up here like his sister did... and while its easy to say "Just don't answer the door" it doesn't work well in practise and in front of neighbors. We would get the door and then the situation would go down hill. Ugh.

I told dh last night its very much a "lose lose" situation. He is probably just going to tell hr outright that we are done with their dramas.

Good luck.......
If they are always looking for "the fight", then it "aint gonna be pretty" no matter how you/he handle(s) it.....
You are lucky to have a DH who sees his family for what they are!
Keep us updated.... We're all here for ya!

Wow!  This is exactly what we just went through.  My crazy MIL started a war over something minor and kept it going for a month through nasty emails and phone calls.  I decided to cut her off.  Now suddenly she is calling saying how are you...   blah blah blah.  It is as if she is a different person all together.  Her sister told me that she has been doing this for years and that I should ignore her until the wave crashes, then magically she will be fine.  I have never had to live that way, so I don't understand why it is okay.    

I would reccomend that you have her over for coffee when your husband is home.  Have him explain to her that you all have decided to take the higher road and move on.  Have him explain that the drama is not affecting the way he feels about you (his wife) but is affecting the way that he feels about her.  Hopefully she will see that no matter what she does, you and your husband are going to have a good life together.  Her behavior will be the determining factor in the amount of time that you allow her to spend with your family.  

If it goes bad and she tries to blow the roof off of your house, tell her that this will be the last time that you make special attempts to work things out.  Explain to her that the only time that you will be subjecting your family to her drama is at family gatherings and that she is to keep her distance!  

Good luck Dear.

The problem is we have four children under the age of two years of age. Its impossible for us to have any "discussions" at our home. We stay distracted when the kids are awake, and when they nap we need to clean and make bottles. My husband and I even communicate through emails and sticky notes! Especially discussions that begin with his mom yelling at us, and end with her sobbing. I like emails and message boards because I can begin a thought, but have hours to finish it.

I thought about this last night, and keep coming back to what "stacann" wrote that I read this morning. DH had wrote his mom a very angry email (but validating of me and the kids) that basically told her he was tired of her crap and that we wanted nothing to do with them- he cited examples of their horrendous behavior and how he felt about it. He saved it to his drafts for me to read. It made me feel sick to my stomach.

Why are we letting his mom suck us into the wedding arguments all over again??? This is exactly what SHE wants. To push our buttons until WE bring up the "big elephant" standing in the middle of the room- that we aren't welcome in their home. The last time this happened arguments went on for MONTHS. I lost weight and stayed sick. I can't afford to be upset now. My kids need me at my very best, and his family are emotional vampires trying to leach away what my kids deserve!

So, we are going with Stacann's suggestion. To stay as innocuous as possible.

He is just going to email back and say something like "We're really busy right now, but everyone is fine- thanks for asking!" and leave it at that... and with any replies she sends, send the same sort of "targetless" response. "No, we can't have company tight now, but we will let you know when we can" etc. Eventually she will blow up anyhow, but it won't be us... it will be her. And in the mean time I won't stay sick to my stomach obsessing about what the backlash will be.

This post was last modified: 07-29-2008 12:34 PM by TwinkleToes.

That sounds like a good way to handle it... "We're really busy right now, but everyone is fine- thanks for asking!" and leave it at that....
It makes contact with her/them, politely, and does not/should not provoke a nasty, mean respose. How can she argue you guys being busy... You DO have 4 babies! ;)

You have me curious what the wedding argument was about. You've referenced it several times in your posts... What could have been so bad that they feel justified to not have you at their home? I can't imagine....

Hang tough... Stay away from those meanies! You guys are doing right by your family - and it if means cutting the ILs out of the picture for now, or for good, YOUR family/children is what is most important.

I am on here way too much today. I am letting this give me panic attacks! Shame on me!

The whole wedding thing was really absurd. We kept picking dates, and his family would veto them. Different family members would pipe up and tell you why that date was bad. We took his moms advice- "Just pick a date and stick to it!!!"- and sent out nonrefundable deposits on our wedding package. There was no financial contribution from his family. There was no reason they should of had a say in our dates. Then, his mom tells everyone - but us- that the date was bad for her. Cried and said she was going to miss her only sons wedding. She waited until the refundable time had lapsed, then called us and pitched a fit. AND, refused to have me in her home. Wanted my husband to go ALONE and discuss it, and he said he wouldn't because our wedding concerned us BOTH.

His dad said if we didn't change the date, he would disown his son for causing his mom such "misery". It was so awful we had to change our cell phone numbers... even on the way to the location, his dad was calling and threatening us. "If you don't make this right by your mother, I am going to teach you what misery is!!!". His dad and mom kept saying we didn't RESPECT them.  

For months afterwards, we got calls and emails from everyone in his family about his mother and her suffering. No one was allowed to mention the wedding, and I am still not spoken of by name in their home by his dad. His mom even emailed my husband twice- once to ask if I was still "Wearing his pants" and once to tell him how hurtful he was and what a disappointment it was.

When I found out I was pregnant, I think the hormones played tricks on me. I thought that perhaps we should give them another chance. But, they have been playing the same sorts of games the entire time. And still talking about respect...

So... thats why we aren't welcome in their home. Because they didn't like our wedding date. BTW, we even changed it at the last minute when our wedding coordinator had a cancelation and offered us the date at the same cost as our prior package. His mom said it was obvious we changed the date for HER (the coordinator) and said it was too little too late.

My husband has always stood by me and has never given me any cause to complain. I think most of my issues with my inlaws are brought on by the fact that I am a peaceful person and really want everyone to get along. My expectations for them haven't been low enough!