Hi erin!

Yes, I think I will just have to see the whole set up as a game, but this time I will hold all the good cards! I think it's going to have to be the way it goes, even if that isn't fair and that evil old harpy has lead things down this path.

Sorry to hear you are having your own troubles, you seem to be handling things well though, good for you!

You know, there was a time when I was "morally against" being superficial and "playing the game". I insisted on "being myself", which included always expressing my thoughts to her openly. I have learned the very hard way (through a series of crash-and-burn blow-outs) that this woman absolutely does not want me to be myself. She is a superficial, manipulating, passive-aggressive biotch.  I began to play the game a bit, but making any  correspondences with her short and sweet, to avoid spouting off about my opinion, and making it appear as though I care in a polite way without engaging.

The more I did this, the more peace there seemed to be, and so here I am. I really loathe not being able to be myself, but these people are incapable of loving me for who I am.  So I finally realized that I don't NEED them to. I have enough people around me who DO love me for who I am, so I gave up the need for these people to do so.  Since then, my anger level has gone WAY down.

Granted, the woman aggrivates me to no end with her games, slights, etc., but I've learned to stop complaining about it to my hubby all the time (because, honestly, what can he REALLY do about her?).  He backs me up if it is very important to me, but I've learned that this is too upsetting for him, so I just pick my battles. The more I stay away from contact with her, the fewer battles there are to choose from.

So, I have discovered a part of myself I'm not terribly proud of: I can be superficial for appearances sake just to keep some peace.  It's really sad, too, because I think I am a wonderful person to know. I feel that what is inside of me is truly worthwhile, and they are missing out on knowing the REAL me.

Unfortunately for ME, I know a bit too much about the real THEM! LOL!

mainegirl, I know how you feel.

The whole game playing thing is tiresome, and you do feel as if you are becomming some kind of monster. It really is stressful!

It is soul destroying in a sense, especially at the beginning, you wonder why on earth this is happening, what have you done to deserve such hostility!?

My BF has said that his mother does miss our chats and friendship, but as I say to him, what friendship exactly? She was controlling, she dictated everything or at least tried her hardest to. She caused the upset, what is there to want to revisit for me?

There were times when she would want to talk about problems, just general stuff etc and I would feel as if maybe she was changing.

My mind would soon be changed again, and each time the barriers I built grew bigger and bigger.

I feel she is missing out, as does my BF. But I don't have any sympathy for her anymore. I dislike her too intensley now!

And it is HER fault.

I can't play the game. I am not capable of having relationships with people where I do not have a level of emotional commitment. Either I love and care for someone and am building a relationship, or I don't care for someone and don't give a rats patootie. I just can't give part way. I suppose I just don't know how to protect my own feelings.

I decided in January to no longer invest myself emotionally in trying to build and have a relationship with DH's mother. It was a big release for me, because it had been a source of heartache for sometime. I now let dh handle emails and phone calls with her, and when she was visiting, I was out of the house. I didn't send or buy her a mothers day card, I told DH that it was his job, then never inquired if he did. I won't be buying her any gifts. I won't be sending her any emails or cards. I am done. I am done. They would never accept innocuous emails or cards without a fight, and I am tired of everything I do being interpreted in the most negative light. So, let dh handle it, and ;let him handle the backlash, too. Removing myself from their world is the best thing for me, but I imagine it does make things difficult for dh. Still, its HIS family, so he would be used to their difficulties.

Now in this house we are a "free for all" with the bashing and venting. I trash my husbands family quite openly to him, and he trashes mine to me. Neither of us take it personal or feel defensive of our family- we both totally know they are both nuts! LOL I have had so many women say to me over the years "Oh, don't ever tell your husband you think that!" only to have them gasp when I say "I tell him everything!". Its not a matter of wanting him to change anything, I am just a big huge venter. I march up and down the hall, spouting all the things I will NEVER say but want to, and he cheers me on saying "Tell my mom what a bitch she is! Go on sweet pea, have at it!!!" and laughing. We both end up laughing about them.

It is so very difficult, and is not good for the soul to get caught up in such negative goings on. I just can't pretend to be OK with situations where I am made to feel hurt or angered or not good enough.Somehow, someway, I get my true feelings across, I just can't help it! It will eventually come out at some point.



I too have vented about her at my BF and have been quite vocal about what and why she does certain things, I get so cross at times and thankfully, he can see where I am coming from. I am emotionally an honest person.



My BF is dreadful when it comes to phoning and e-mailing his mother/father. I was the one that she would chat to on the phone and e-mail etc, I sent cards from us both.
Now she is back with the not knowing what is going on and constantly remindinds my BF to get/stay in touch as he is just as bad as he ever was.

Plus she misses out on my daughter who she was actually really very fond of. She is the cause of this loss, and she has herself and only herself to blame, though her husband is part of the problem, he is her nodding dog.

Like you, I do not prompt my BF to do anything now in regards to his contacting them. I don't prevent him, but I don't encourage him anymore.

It's been five months now since I last 'spoke' to her, she does ring, but I hand the phone over to my BF, as a result she rings more often when she knows I am at work.

OK, my family ( parents ) are not perfect, there isn't a perfect family out there anywhere! But they have been so much nicer to my BF!

It's great that your hubby is so understanding and can see the funny side of a difficult situation, humour is a great way of dealing with these messes!

This post was last modified: 08-13-2008 12:09 PM by Sianey.

Oh no,no,no, mark my words, I am ever and always true to myself. I do not compromise myself for MIL or anyone else...I am outspoken, do not mind confrontations, and I will tell any and everyone what I think and how I feel. I am blunt, to a fault really... I do not hide or sugarcoat. What you see is what you get.

I have spent thousands on therapy to learn how to NOT compromise and lose myself (again).. and I am well equipt... MIL does not like me or anything I stand for. She does not agree with or respect me as an adult or a woman or her son's fiance or an educator..... She treats me like I am an ungrateful teenager who is ruining her world... and she has no problem bitching about me behind my back, telling my Fh that she despises me and wants him to leave me, etc, etc....

The "game" I am referring to is more about being the "bigger" person. I initially wanted to cut out MIL all together - no contact, no visits; but FH is not ready to do that (yet) b/c of FIL.... THEREFORE, I had to come up with SOME way to cope with her being in my life.... SO, like I said, I am distantly polite. I will send casual, short emails that ask how FIL is doing (he has been sick)... I will send pics of SD when I have news ones... But that is ALL... I avoid going there (they live out of town THANK GOD)... but when I do go there, I go on my terms and do what I want EVEN though MIL has told FH that he and I are not allowed to go out with our friends when we are in town and that we are not allowed to text/talk on the phone when we are there, EVEN that we need to tone down the affection.. house rules.. I still do it all - go see friends, hug on my FH, talk and text on my phone. She is not my keeper. It pisses her off... but, I will not compromise myself for that evil bitch, or anyone else.... So, the game is more about (1) being the bigger person (2) trying to keep some sort of "peace" for SD's sake, and (3)..selfishly... b/c I KNOW that it pisses MIL off that I am not allowing her poison to affect/bother me....hahaha (4) plus, is shows FH that I am making efforts to be polite and keep peace, which again (selfishly) I know makes MIL look even more evil when she is rude or disrespectful towards/about me..... I call it a game b/c I end up "winning" each battle w/ little-no effort (b/c I have put in preemptive strikes)...... SHE is the one that told my FH to choose b/w Her or me.... So, I see it is her fault there is even a "game" to begin with.....and I WILL win...
I would never advocate compromising yourself to make another person happy. Never, ever, ever!!!! Call my game Passive-aggressive... that's probably the most accurate description..

See, it sounds like those of you with some distance can set boundaries better- like Erin and Mainegirl. My problem is I am only two miles away from my mil!!! If I start playing the "bigger person" I wind up with pop in guests when I am in jammies with spit up down the front of my bra top and there are dirty diapers in the kitchen pail. UGH!!!

My sil used to constantly say "Don't you want to be the 'bigger person'?" Its funny, but in dh's family bigger person = enabler. I have always considered myself to be a bigger person- my definition is the same as yours Erin- to not behave petty, not let people push my buttons, to be polite and mannerly and treat others the way I want to be treated. But in my husbands family it means being a door mat for all sorts of crud in their warped version of "respect". *sighs* My sil widdled down my confidence and my boundaries for years telling me I should be better than her parents... UGH!

Yeah, you are right Twinkle... I never knew I'd appreciate 300 miles SO MUCH! In about a year, FH and I are planning to move to a city that is about 60 miles from MIL... and it scares me to death! I am already dreading the fact that she will be able to get to me in an hour. The woman doesn't work, and has nothing to do all day, so I know she'll be around....

I would just DIE if we lived 2 miles away from my MIL!! I am different from you, in that, I don't mind confrontations. MIL and I would go round for round if we were in the same town. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, but I would like to think that I will stand my ground when we are closer to MIL... I feel for you ladies who have to deal with MILs on a daily basis. I am sure the distance makes a difference.

I used to confront my MIL, but it only made things worse and put my hubby in a very tough position.  I truly have as little to do with her as possible, I merely make any communications with her very short, sweet and to the point rather than saying what I really might want to.  She is very aware of how I feel about her, so there's no hiding of "myself", here. I guess I just choose to keep it to myself these days rather than give her any ammo she could use in order to make things yucky again.

I know she's just DYING for me to fall into the trap of saying what I think, but I refuse to fall into her trap. She wants to make me look like the bad guy, and I won't.  So, it's just easier to nod and smile when I absolutely have to speak to her.  Otherwise, I stay away as though she were the plague (and in many ways, she is! LOL!)

And this is where I am, right now. I would much rather 'NOT' have anything to do with MIL anymore. Really, that is what I, want.

However, I am aware that this might cause upset for my BF, even if he can see she has ben a pest and a half. I remind him of just how unfair she has been, how intrusive, it's not something that can be ignored, and it won't be by me.

She has many ticks in my book of 'Piss me offs!'

We are both strong characters, but in very different ways. I believe I am the stronger, because I can allow others to just 'be' who they are. I am happy with who I am and what I have acheived.

I have plans, I am moving forward, I have goals. I really don't think she has, which is why she is so miserable and wants to control those around her, namely her favourite son and me, her sons GF.

She, or rather her attitude, doesn't fit in with my positive outlook on life, and so therefore I do not want her to be involved in my life. She is a huge drain!

As much as I give better than I get, I resent having to repeat myself to this woman, this is boring as well as tedious.

I agree, don't ever become someone you are not to please others, anyone! That would leave a person feeling empty I can only imagine.

Like yours, I am sure my own MIL has tried to persuade my BF to leave me. She always makes the comment that she is 'worried' about him and can't sleep!

I didn't think Vampires slept at night anyway! Yes I know, Miaoww!