Lord, what a nightmare!

I am sure if my MIL lived so close she would be in and out every other day. I would commit murder, I really am sure of it!

In all seriousness, she currently lives in Portugal after moving out there 12 years ago. It's quite easy to buy cheap property out there, or at least was back when they moved ( They are English )

She now wants to move back here, but her hubby doesn't want to! Hopefully this will stall things long enough for us to get to NewZealand and even further away than we are now!!!! SIGH!

I know she will find every excuse in the book to keep popping over, to make suggestions on how to run the household etc...

She did mention her want to move closer to her other son, as he has two children and she obviously wants to be close by for obvious reasons.


As awful as this sounds, I am soooooo glad I haven't had a child in this relationship, I just know she would be an hundred times worse.

mainegirl, I really indentify with what you are saying here.

I would not hold back how I felt when I 'talked' to her about any on going situation. But as she is a liar and hypocrite to boot, it meant nothing would be sorted out as she wouldn't be honest!

I would just get really angry, and guess what! I was then accused of being agressive and argumentative.

This is why I am so glad I told her that I didn't like her or respect her as SHE is a liar SHE is deceitful SHE is manipulative and shows double standards!

I brought up examples when she feigned innocence, there was nothing she could say, I had her!


I feel good thinking back to that day!

She riggled and riggled to avoid the truth, tried to change the subject, tried to trivialise the situation made personal attacks and that just worked in my favour. She made it worse for herself.

I feel as if she has been away these last few months, planning a way of getting back into her sons good books, and is just waiting for the right moment to have me, where I had her. Only it won't happen by fair means as she isn't fair.

I don't trust her one bit.

Wow Sianey, we may just have the same MIL! LOL!  When I (or my hubby) have confronted her about her manipulations or treatment of me, she attempted to feign innocent, but couldn't avoid the obvious facts (and boy was I glad she was stupid enough to not cover her trail so that my hubby could finally see it).  She also wriggled and tried to avoid the issue, and ultimately broke down in "tears", saying that she knows she isn't "welcome" in our lives.  It seemed to soften my hubby for a while, but I think he now realizes that the tears weren't completely real (although he likely will never be able to fully admit his mother had malicious intent, which is somewhat frustrating. I think in his mind somewhere, he believes that her manipulations and whatnot come from her ignorance, rather than her intentional efforts. Uggg)

She is well aware that I don't buy her tears, nor do I believe she didn't know what she was doing. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing! Every time I even attempt to voice an opinion (good, bad, or otherwise) she turns it around and makes me out to seem like the bad guy. That's why I don't say what I really think anymore, because I refuse to allow her to do that to me again.

Yes, this may seem "fake" to others, but I am tired of the entire family being put in the position of taking sides (and no one wants to side against this "fragile" woman - fragile my arse!).  It was a total blowout anytime I said anything, so I just don't say anything anymore. We are 12,000 miles away, so she has no say over how we live our lives. I didn't let her plan our wedding AT ALL (I got burned once when I allowed her to "help" try to plan an Australian wedding, so we ended up cancelling that one and having it here in USA instead, without her "help").  I don't keep her updated on how the baby is doing, or let her know about anything we're planning - I only tell her things after they are a DONE DEAL

For example: I recently emailed everyone over there - except for my very evil SIL - and let them know we were moving.  I didn't say we were LOOKING for a place, because that would allow her to get in touch with hubby and try to have influence over our decision on homes.  I also didn't ask for any monitary assistance (although FIL offered, once we told him we were moving, and my hubby gratefully accepted it...but I refuse to talk to HER about that sort of thing!).

I just avoid contact with her as much as possible, and make the token gesture of a hello only when it seems neccessary.  I got tired of looking like the arse, so now I happily allow her to make herself look like the arse, while I keep my head up, my mouth shut, and I end up looking like the bigger person.

Fake? Maybe....but it keeps the peace, keeps her at arm's distance, and allows my hubby to have respect for the way I handle his mother.

Mainegirl, I don't see anything fake about what you are doing or saying. You are just writing innocuous emails and saying innocuous things. Whats fake about being noncommittal and blase? You have taken a position of being the benevolent daughter in law. Me, too!

To me, being fake would be going along with her, cheering her on, and pretending to be on her side when you hate her.

What your doing is what I am doing- "empty communication". Its targetless, blameless, and... boring! Theres nothing to hang on to.

My husband would like to cut ties in a big way, but, his mom also pulls the sobs and then gathers the troops. BRU HA HA's exhaust me/us.  He has elected to try my way. I know it frustrates the hell out of his mom to push our buttons with say something like "Since I never see my grandkids I have been going to the beach more" and have us say things back like "Glad you are enjoying the weather".

Since finding this site, I am so GLAD I did by the way, it has been interesting to see just how many comparisons there are with the MILs of others.  

Some seem to have very similar tactics when it comes to trying to get what they want.

The way you have choosen to deal with your own particular MIL seems to be working well for you, good on you!!!!

Whenever my MIL has become teary ( ahem ) it is so damn obvious it is an act I want to shake everyone else awake and say, for goodness sake, are you actually falling for this?

OK, I have burst into tears myself when discussing this with my BF, but out of sheer frustration and anger! I snap out of it pretty quickly though. It's a spontaneous thing.

Your choosing to e-mail them and give only so much information is entirely up to you. You are communicating, but not rolling over for them. You have kept control. You have to keep your sanity!

'IF' I do have any contact with my MIL in future (and that's a very big if!) I will adopt a similar fashion of communication. I owe the woman nothing.

It's none of her buisness where we go, who we see, what we eat, discuss etc. I always used to feel as if she was going through a check list, to keep a tally of who was busier, doing the more interesting things.

I was really quite specific when I asked my BF to, in future, not mention 'anything' about my or my daughter's movements. We are nothing to do with her, we are not blood related. So if she demands to know what we are doing, my BF can put that very fact to her!

I did of course tell him to make sure she knows that directive came from me. So that she doesn't try to use emotional blackmail on him.

TwinkleToes, I love it! That's exactly what we've done as well - when MIL tried to say such things as "Well, if only we lived closer we could watch the baby for you" (as a way to try to make us feel guilty that hubby was moving here from Australia), I'd merely reply with "Well, thank goodness we have a wonderful sitter and good friends nearby to help!" (which I know drove her crazy). When she tried to make us feel guilty that suddenly she was more "alone" with 2 of her kids out of the house now, I responded by saying how great it was she had time to do things she enjoyed.  She seemed steamed that her guilt trips didn't work!

Mark me down as another in the crew that has a MIL who uses "tears" as a major weapon.... I only "confront" her in extreme cases - when she insults me directly or steps over my boundaries... b/c when I did/do, it goes over like a lead balloon... the ENTIRE family gets angry and relaliates (b/c we upset the "fragile one", as mainegirl put it... and I agree, fragile my arse!!)...

NOW, Fh does the confronting and putting her in her place, BUT she uses tears and tantrums every time. She feigns innocense as well and claims she is being mistreated, that she is not respected, that we don't appreciate her, blah, blah, blah...

I don't think you are being "fake" either, Mainegirl...No more than I am, anyway, with my bullsh*t emails to MIL... Like I said, I only really do it to keep peace and as a preemptive strike.... if I am being "nice", she has no "good" reason to complain and badmouth me w/o looking like the evil, hateful biotch she is....so, I know it irks the crap out of her....

Ooohhhh... At least we have eachother girls... obviously we aren't alone in our misery.....

Erin, you hit the nail on the head perfectly! The "preemptive strike" is EXACTLY what my occassional nice emails are.  And like you, I figure that if I throw it out there every so often, she has to think of reasons to be snotty to me, in which case she'll look bad to everyone else (and we all know these MIL's want to try to keep their halo's looking untarnished!).

You're right, we have each other! I just love this place!