My four year old son was diagnosed with autism this year by the school is attending.  Ever since he was about 20 months old I signed him up for early intervention and still is receiving treatment at a school he attends in our town.   My MIL never gives me family support with my son and blames me that I myself did not do enough for him when he was a baby and infant.  My SIL who is a speech pathologist herself is giving her own opinion to my MIL that my son DOES NOT have autism and claims she has worked with autistic kids and my son does not show these characteristics (but she doesn't see him only a few times in a year!)  I can't believe the ignorance of my SIL to actually tell me that I should blame myself for my son's developemental delay!  My SIL had the nerve to tell me over the phone that when my son was small that "I missed the mark" and "I didn't give him what he needed when he was a baby" and that's why my son is the way he is.  Could you believe this comment?  Please give me feedback.  Thanks

Welcome to the world of "it's all your fault!"  My MIL told me that my son's hearing impairment is because he was in daycare and got ear infections.  Never mind that my son's hearing loss is neurological and therefore not related in any way to the ear infections.  Never mind that my third child had just as many ear infections and she was NOT in daycare.  Facts don't matter.  It's "blame the mom" for everything.  

In some ways, it's really sad.  My MIL still blames herself for her 40 yo son's disabilities.  He was diagnosed at age 3 or so, and has been in residential care since he was 7.  MIL *still* holds herself responsible in some way.  She simply cannot accept that these things happen and, generally, it's NO ONE'S fault.  So, she projects that onto me and can't understand why I don't accept it.

Let the ignorance roll right off your back.  Your MIL and SIL are not worth your time and energy.  Even if what they say is true, does it change anything?  Nope!  And, if it were true, it's even more horrible to say!  

With an autistic child, you've got your hands full and the less time you try explaining things to ignoramouses, the better!

((Hugs)))

Wow.

Okay, first of all, your SIL isn't a special educator with a specialization in developmental disabilities; just because she is a speech-pathologist does not in any way, shape, or form give her any license to diagnose your child. That is left up to psychologists and trained professionals, who have done lots of research on the subject.

Autism is most likely genetic in nature, so there is nothing that you did (or didn't do) to cause it. The one thing that is pretty much true across the board is that nobody knows what causes it.

If I were in a good mood, I'd give them plenty of literature to read on the subject, and tell them that when they get their MDs or Ph.Ds to come talk to me. If I were in a bad mood...well, I'd say it was genetic and blame their shitty gene pool.

I'm sorry these people are so cruel to you, to blame you for your son's autism. Having a child with autism is difficult enough without people blaming you.

I would like to first thank the two members for your replies.  I know that there are people out there that will help and support me and my child.   The autistic gene could actually run in my gene pool because I have my uncle who's my dad's brother who was diagnosed with autism later in his life.  Anyway, sometimes my MIL gives me sympathy for my son's developmental delay but other times she listens to my SIL who's the speech pathologist (who by the way is married to her son).  I swear my MIL thinks that my SIL is smart just because she has a masters degree and thinks she knows all what is to know about having autism but the truth of the matter is even the specialist on that subject still don't know everything and they are learning so much.  My MIL makes me sick to my stomach sometimes because she thinks her DIL walks on water!!  She obviously doesn't only Jesus walked on water and performed miracles, my SIL can't perform miracles.  I will try not to let them get to me okay, but thanks for your support.

I dont know hardly anything about autism and Im a nurse.  But I bet I would know a whole bunch about it if my child was autistic.  So quess what, that makes you, the mother of an autistic child, the expert.  You and only you are the expert on your child.  

It hurts really really bad.  She will not stop doing it, so you might want to avoid her so she cant hurt you.

  You need to save your energies for your child. I do know that autistic children can sense your mood changes. They feel like you are living in their world and if their world changes at all they become upset.

About whose fault it is, does it really matter? Is it gonna change your sons condition? Any educated
person will not believe her smack anyhow.   I dont like to tell people to ignore stuff, but I really think you need to ignore this woman, You have been given a special responsibility as a mother of a "special" child,  that most of us dont go thru. Your whole life has to be dedicated to your childs special needs. You cannot afford to worry about her.


In my blunt terms, I would tell her to kiss off and totally focus on my baby.

This post was last modified: 08-05-2007 06:05 PM by jeanine.

Just a quick ps.

I see so many people out there that cant even take care of their children without special needs. It makes me feel really really good to see someone that can and does. You sound like a wonderful mom, You sound like you are searching for the right answers and will do what you need to do for your child.  Hang in there. You will reap what you sow.....

Amen to that!

The other day Oprah did a show on Autism.  Some of the things they pointed out was that there is a large spectrum of Autism and that it is not always apparent a child has it for quite some time...and also they pointed out the genetic component. Clearly you are doing everything you can now that you have a diagnosis, so don't listen to such ignorance!

Thanks ladies for all your support!  I clearly realize that I need to stop listening to my stupid MIL and ignorant SIL and focus more of my energy on my son who by the way has made a tremendous amount of progress since he's been in school.  It's nice to know that there are people out there that will tell you a kind word or even care and that will listen to your problems.  Thanks all for your help.

Diane: That's what we're all here for!  I know that I have been saved from certain insanity a time or two by the ladies on here!  I think the big lesson is that sometimes friends are more family than your family can be (at least on the in-law side!)!  We're all here for one another..and I know that I personally feel very blessed to have found this forum!