Brief history: I need advice. Any is welcome....Please help!

FutureMIL is controler/rejector - everything HAS to be done HER way or it's total atomic bomb (tears, tantrums, screaming, even throwing things)... The ENTIRE family lets her get away with this..She is also the sicky-sweet to my face ( including, backhanded compliments) then rake me over the coals when I leave the room type. I have NEVER been "good enough" for her son, in her eyes- This weekend she tried to bully my fiance to not be with me - she says (in dramatic tears) she is "losing" him, she has been so depressed since our engagement, and that I don't really love him and that I control him, that he is making a mistake and that she does not even recognize him. She wants me gone. Thankfully, he did (sort of) stand up to her and tell her she was wrong - that "our relationship" did not look like theirs, but that it worked for us. I sent her an email stating that he had told me what she'd said and that I believe she was wrong because I love him with all my heart and I do not control him. I have the unconrollable need to "call things like I see them" and hold people accountable for their actions or words. This whole situation, of course, was complete betrayal on the part of her son-1, for telling me, the outsider what she said about me, and is disrespect from me who "called her out" basically... The entired family is pissed (at me and him).....we caused the earthquake...

Okay, SO, I get the phone call from the BIL (sister's husband) saying I am not handling her the right way, blah, blah, blah- that I need to back off MIL and let her act like she does and say what she wants and do/say nothing about it - that that is how EVERYONE handle her and everything is "fine"... I explain that I am simply not made that way, that I must have things out in the open... Strike 1 for Team siblings... SO, next, they then call fiance and tell him how shitty he is and how he shouldn't have told me, how he hurt MIL, blah, blah, blah.. He tells them that he is not going to take MIL's shit anymore, etc... Strike 2 for Team Siblings... SOOOOOOOOOO, get THIS... they (the 2 sisters) actually EMAIL my fiance's ex-wife (it was an ugly divorce) - and they INVITE HER TO COME SPEND A NIGHT OR TWO WITH THEM AND MIL AND FIL because they miss her...(one big happy family)..... hellloooo??!?!?!? Passive-aggressive????? WTF is that? It seems that they keep upping the ante.... how far will they go?
I should add, that meanwhile, MIL and FIL are ignoring Fiance's phone calls to discuss the situation and are playing silent treatment... but letting his sister's fight the battle for them....
What do I/we do? HELP...

Seems they are pulling out all the punches to try to break you two up.  Definately discuss it with your fiance and see if you can get him to see the efforts for what they are.  

Here are some things you could say in a sit-down with your fiance (in no particular order of importance here...) "I really wish they would be happy for us, but if they cannot be, it will be their loss.  I can be polite and civil during family gatherings in the future, but it will be because I LOVE you desperately and know that it is important for you to keep a connection to your family - even if they seem hell bent on breaking us up.  I hope one day they will settle down and accept our marriage, but if they can't, I want you to know that I forgive them - mainly because I can imagine how hard it must be for them to watch you grow up and become independent. (** note: OK, so maybe you DONT forgive them and CANT appreciate how they feel.  Sometimes we have to "fake it till we make it"**) I appreciate their feelings, so I am not going to send any more emails unless it is simply to say hello and stay in touch.  That is my way of trying to help smooth the situation over for the future.  BUT, please realize that even though I can be polite, I would really appreciate it if I was not exposed to them in too many situations.  I say that because it hurts my feelings when they are rude to me, and I certainly hope you would want to spare me from that.  In the same token, since I won't be around them as often, they will be spared the urge to cause trouble for our relationship.  I know our love is strong and our relationship is solid enough to handle such attempts, but I worry that it may ultimately create some tension for us.  Clearly, they seem to WANT tension between us, but I love you far too much to allow anything someone else says or does to affect our relationshp in any way..."  etc, etc, etc...

He'll then see you as doing your best, and he will (most likely) cling more tightly to you and become more of a protector. He may not ever stand up to his family, but he may agree to being around them less often in order to avoid the conflict.  They'll either come around, or they'll simply have to accept things as they are.

As a last note:  My hubby's family was against us, too, and yet they still came to the wedding.  They made their little comments and whatnot during the visit, but they could not dispute the fact that despite their feelings about me, he still married me anyway.  I call that set, point, and match!  

In the end, it is what your HUBBY thinks that matters, not the inlaws!  If he's on your side, then anything they do is useless! Their actions will only serve to ultimately push him away from them.  So, they'll be doing you a favor in a way if they keep up with their stupidity!

p.s. Them inviting the ex over is simply a maneuver to hurt your fiance.  I hope he is able to see that!  That is utterly cruel!

This post was last modified: 06-20-2008 11:10 PM by mainegirl.

omg..you poor girl..i know how u feel..i guess that is why we r all here!..i will agree with Mainegirl..the most important thing is having your man on your side..like really..u wouldnt put up with ppl like this if u didnt have to and the only reason u do is cause of him, so he better stand up for you

I don't think they should invite her to family functions where your fiancee will be, but, I don't see anything wrong with his family remaining close to her. In a way, its ironic... we want our mil's to accept us as family, but then if there is a divorce they are expected them to just close the door forever? If they really did accept us as family, it would be painful indeed to suddenly stop liking and being around someone because your son or daughter decided they didn't like them anymore.

My husbands aunt and uncle- who I consider the model of an emotionally healthy family- have a son who died a few years ago. He had been married four times and had children in every marriage. At all their holiday gatherings, ALL the ex wives come and bring their children. They all get along in spite of some of the divorces being ugly. The aunt and uncle laugh about how civil their ex dil's are, and how nice it is that they get to see all their grandchildren on a regular basis since the ex-dil's still like them. I know that situation is unique.

If it were that simple/innocent, I would agree... However, in this case, it was pure spite and relaliation... They had not made contact with the Ex for over a year - and they SAY they did not like her b/c of the way she treated my FH.... BUT, when I "stepped out of line" and stood up to MIL, they all went loony-tunes on me and started hitting below the belt...
They called Ex (remember, after a year of no contact and a bitter, ugly divorce.. where she was TERRIBLE to my FH) and they invited her to come to MIL's house with SILs/families and have a fun family sleepover weekend... It was ONLY out of spite... It was a way to indirectly say to me "we accept HER b/c she played by our rules; and we do not accept YOU b/c you do not".... Thankfully, my FH saw right through them and realized exactly what they were doing. It opened his eyes even more to their psychotic-ness.. It was disrespectful to him as well... it hurt him that they would do that.. and it pissed him off.... It was purely spite...

Thats so sad that they would do that to him. :-(

Did your future husband have a child with this woman? If so, your inlaws are going to be yanking his chain with the ex for years and years to come. :-(

Yep... they have a child.... so, I not only have to deal with the insane ILs for the rest of my life, but also the mini-MIL EX.... So far, she and I are fine... She still tries to "get" FH whenever she can and she is frequently nasty to him.... BUT, so far so good with she and I... The child and I get along wonderfully too... which ALSO bothers the ILs, for some strange reason (um, JEALOUSY). I think they expected child to not like/accept me....DUH!! That is a GREAT THING!!! You would think they would be happy about that!

We are a family, whether they accept it or not.. If they try to sabotage THAT, I know DH will really lose it.....He is a wonderful dad..
Great, caring, kind, supportive man, wonderful dad.... I am blessed.... should have known there would be SOME "catch" to the nearly perfect situation ;)... (the ILs....)......

I would imagine the reason why they were hoping his child didn't accept/like you is because they are small minded jealous people. They don't want to share their son, so why would they want to share their grandchild, ya know?

I am glad you and his ex get along. When she remarries, I am sure the relationship will improve even more, and also, at that time her interest in her ex inlaws will lessen as well. So... I hope she finds her soulmate just like your furtue husband did in you!