To make  along story short my DH was treated poorly by FIL and in order to make up for it MIL spoiled him. So now I am married to a spoiled child in an adult body. And have a MIL who pampers him and tells him he can do no wrong.  In fact she said in front of me that she is afraid to tell her kids how she really feels about things for fear of losing them.

I have read about such things especially when we were considering adoption. I learned that just because a child comes from an abusive or neglectful situation does not mean you should spoil them. They need to learn rules and boundaries. The need to be expected to behave just like any other child. And for this reason I feel my MIL has stunted my DH emotional growth.

Now things were alright at first. MIL would bug me a bit but I could deal with it. However, DH still runs to her for her praise and child comfort. He's a grown man of 30 still running to his mommy like a spoiled brat. If something doesn't go his way he runs to Mommy and tells her all about it and she tells him how wonderful he is and how awful I am (or whoever he is complaining about at the time). He still throws fits like a toddler which can be pretty scary in an adult body..

Naturally all this has left me feeling betrayed and even more so since she denies he has a mental illness and says it's all me. He went to one therapist who didn't turn out so well and I hope he can find a good one but yes he has been diagnosed with a couple of things.

I feel guilty for saying it. MIL means well I think and she does help us out (or should I say she helps him out) but she is actually making things worse between us and for his own well being. He is never going to grow up and change the compartmentalized child way of thinking his therapist told me about. I know he won't if she keeps acting the way she does.

This post was last modified: 12-12-2007 12:27 AM by SelfcenteredSIL.

he should be able to go to u now, not his mum.
i with u hun, i would be ropable if dh went to his mum before me. i get annoyed when dh visits there before he comes home even.
his mum obvioulsy loves the whole thing, cos she feels shes still significant- but u should be that person and even if u 2 have a fight he should not go to her.

hopefully u can get a good councillor, cos that sounds like the best plan- u really dont want her interfering and he prob doesnt see it from ur eyes.

OMG. Tell the guy to MAN UP!! Tell him you're sick and tired of him being a little boy. And that its way overdue for him to be a man. Plus tell him, ur sick and tired of being the MAN of the house. lols. He'll come through. Dont worry.

I agree with askbw1...

If he won't go to counseling to learn how to be "grown up" then you have two choices.
1. deal with it
2. or end it

This is what my marriage counselor told me about the very same thing. You are not the one with the problem, he is. He needs to learn how to deal with his mother in a grown up way.

DUMP HIM>>>>IT WILL NOT GET BETTER>>>>AND DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM>>>>MAKE A CLEAN BREAK!!

I also think you need to be prepared for the possibility of dealing with this for the rest of your life. If that is not something you think you could deal with, end things now before you waste even more time. I am sorry you are going through this painful process. One thing I have learned in recent months from friends, family, religious advisors, and counselors is that there is never a guarantee that anyone will change, as much as we wish there were. In fact, even if a person seems to change, he could secretly resent you for it for years, and it could come out later and be even more painful than things are now.  Your life and happiness are worth more than sitting around and hoping for better! You should get out there and find better!

Wow same story different names.  Don't play the game.  I had to explain to my dh that when we do house renovations she does not make paint color decisions, what kind of blinds to hang, what shrubs to remove etc.  I told him that he is married to me.  We make those decisions together, he isn't married to her and if he wants to be to move back in with her.  He never realized that he would call her about house projects before me.  Sorry, but my name is on the deed too not your moms.  I understand completely.  All you can do is bring it to his attention.  Maybe bring it up when you both are in a good mood.  My dh has adhd.  She has it too but denies it even though all of her children have it.  I went on line to chadd and printed out all of the symptoms of adhd and highlighted all of the things that he does.  We are now at the stage where we are better at talking about issues and solving those problems, as opposed to talking in circles.  It has taken alot of patience, calm voices and not assuming that he knows what I am talking about even when I have explained myself to a t.  I usually tell him that I don't mean things as an attack but rather how I feel inside.  He can't tell your feelings are wrong.  Take him out of the equation and tell him how lonely you are without him coming to you for comfort.  I moved away from my family and friends.  I live in the country so we have to travel to get anywhere.  I told him I am more lonely now than when before we got married.  I told him that I don't necessarily like his hobbies but I make the effort because they mean something to him.  He grew up almost like an only child b/c his siblings are so much older.  I told him that I got married for companionship and compassion and that we had none of it.  I got to the point where I didn't care if I sold my farm.  Maybe you can approach your hubby similarly.  Tell him how you feel.  When he goes to his mommy, he is basically cutting you out of his life.  That is what hurts you, not him talking to her.  You want to be the one he can depend on, and it hurts you deeply.  It depresses you and makes you feel bad about yourself.  You need to tell him that you love him just as much as she does.  That he needs to at least be your friend, because you love each other.  He has to be able to give you that chance.  Take it slowly because it won't change over night.  good luck

I don't think this is a mil problem, I think this is a problem between you and your husband. To be honest, if my children- when adult- called me with problems, I would feel it was my job to listen, be supportive, and give support. It probably wouldn't enter my mind to say "Did you run this phone call past your wife first? Have you discussed this with your wife first?".

I hope he starts turning to you and including you in his discussions.

I completely agree, that you really need to make sure that you are in this for the long haul, because you will have to deal with this for years to come. All you can do is talk to him about it, and hope that he changes what he is doing. He has to make the decision to come and discuss things with you instead of his mom. It is going to be a difficult road for you, and its going to take some time. Good Luck to you!