I'll reald in one spot that you should always let your FH/DH deal with any inlaw issues

Then in the next one it says that you should do it yourself, they are around long term and will have to get used to dealing with you. Espically when it comes to your kids.

So what do you think? Is it a mix of both?

i think it should be him, but now thinking about it, i agree that really we should be able to deal with them cos there our family too.
i use to do all the dirty work- all the visits and phone calls to the pre in laws, present shopping and giving...the lot. i would find out all the news and relay to fh-
when we got engaged things changed- solely cos they felt left out and they pushed me out of the role i was in and hubby began to start dealing with them.
i wish i could cos hubby sucks at standing up to them and they push him over. atm we dont see them enough for me to be concerned over probs. we saw them xmas and may see em again for about 1hr in a week, but that gives me enough time to get over there crap.
technically neither of us deal with the probs, we just get over them. but because of that i will always hold a grudge and what ever there prob is with me will prob never get let down either. but thats life.

Unless they are civil people its almost entirely impossible to deal with them yourself without making things worse since if they are horrible inlaws they wont respect what you have to say anyway. I let DH deal with the inlaws that are problems and the rest we handle equally since really there is nothing to handle. They have not accepted me as their SIL so I do not accept nor want them to be members of my family their negativety would only spread like a plague on my life and that I cant have. Since we cut them off neither one of us deals with them, but when an incident does occur I will either let DH handle it or DH will let FIL handle it, since he knows where we stand.

At first our situation seemed horrible but the more I get to know what type of people his siblings are the more I just want to be further away from them. When I did try to deal with the situation in the best respectful manner I could it only made things worse, the only screwed me harder. They enjoy the rise they get out of knowing they affected me and DH. Now that neither one of us deals with them they get no satisfaction in their disgusting behavior although they still try to get a rise!
Best thing is him to deal with them if they cant respect you in the first place to those that can sure deal with them, but those that dont you have no chance anyhow. Next best thing is neither one of you deal with them, and trying to get a third figure in to help wont work either they will see you as weak and only try harder to hurt you (we tried).