So this is my first time on this site and I'm hoping for some helpful advice. I'll start by giving a sumary of our situation.

My DH & I are from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds. He has 2 sisters and a mother who live only 5 minutes from us (all in one house) and a father in ny and one half sister back in the Dominican Republic. When he and I started his sisters seemed to love me- they said I was so much better than the "ex" and I kept their brother happy and calm, blah, blah, blah... the father adores me, and the mom seems to like me but there is a language barreir between us which makes it difficult to have a real conversation with her.
My DH's ex,one of SIL, my DH & another woman from his past all work at the same company. Both the ex & the other woman have both done and said really horrible things to me, my DH & family in the past. Now the sister that works there has decided to make these two women her best friends.. and got my other SIL in on it too. They all have Hi5 accounts and say things to the ex like "you are so beuatiful, I miss you.. etc, etc, etc.. You want to know what kinds of things they say and do to me???

hahaha- any compliment I gte from them is typicaly laced with poison.. like "you have such beautiful hair, women would kill to have your hair." followed by- "I could never keep my hair like that. It would drive me crazy. Why don't you go to a salon and get it done once in a while." yeah, okay. thanks for the compliment/insult. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have blonde, thick, long hair and theirs is dark & considered "not nice" by their culture which translates tothey need to have their hair professionally straightened and colored weekly to make it look nice. Sorry, not my fault. Genes cannot be controlled. Now their father has made the mistake of teling them that he wished their husbands were more like me- exact words- "she;s so smart and so well-educated... we should have had more like her in the family". And it's no secret that he has always disapproved of their husbands for not having any formal education. In the last year I've also taken on a new job with a much higher imporatnce and luckily a riduculous pay increase, which my DH made the mistake of making public info to his sisters... as you can imagine they now try to find any way to knock me off my pedestal so to speak or to put me in my place, but then will ask me for all kinds of advice on everything from how to train their dogs to remodeling their home (I have a big construction family). It's just so twisted. I spent last weekend in 100 degree weather getting blisters all over my hands helping my DH re-landscape their lawn and then both SIL's are spending their time communicating with the ex & the other woman as a thank you- I should point out that at no time during my DH's & his ex-girlfriends relationship did the family ever like her- the father always referred to her as "The Bitch"... so is it just me or is it entirely possible that the major problem the SIL's have is jealousy??? And if that is the problem, what the hell am I supposed to do? Should I fail at being successful simply to make my home life more confortable- did I mention they all work together and live only a few minutes away?? I know I need my DH to find a new job and I know we need to move further away, but he's so stubborn at the thought (there's a major umbilical cord attachment to the mom and both SIL's live with her). What do I do??? Oh- just to make the severity of their comments clear... when my DH doesn't show up for a week or longer, they say things like "That woman has taken you away".. I'm that woman becuase I'm not from their background.... and both SIL's told me once ot never have children with their brother because then our baby would be the best looking with the nice hair and light eyes... yes, I'm not kidding. These words were actually said to me... so please, please, please help.... the thing is, what kind of sisters stil communicate with people who have hurt their borther so badly?? And I mean badly- i.e. the affair the ex had was with my DH's best friend.... and he happened to be the husband of the ex's best friend.. t doesn't get much worse.. and that other woman I mentioned from my DH's past has openly said that I have no right making my DH happy- exact words "That white bitch isn't the one who should be maing him happy." and she has insulted me in front of numerous coworkers (I should mention I used to work there and was very well-liked and this other woman and my SIL now work in my old department). The ex works in a different department but still in the same company- along with my DH's former best friend... really, realy healthy, right??? Yeah. Try convincing my DH to get his act together ASAP and find a new job. Do you think just changing jobs would make a big enough difference or should we move further away too? We don't own a home yet, so moving is still a fairly easy process for us. Please, any advice would be great!!

Patience will be your virtue to yourself. Im white and married into a hispanic family too and let me tell you, my MIL is worse than a canker sore on Satan's ass.  When my DH finally realized she was being super bitchy to me he told her to leave me alone,so she stopped saying nasty things to me in front of others until, SIL had her bridal shower and a big hoopla came from that but that is another story, I finally just ignored the crap out of her after 13 years and would give her the look of death if I  saw her. She is behaving herself for now which is kinda scary because I keep waiting for her to pounce but I will hold my own and not back down.
   I really wish I could give you some really good advise that would make everything stop now but unfortunately it dosnt work.  The only thing I can tell you is that try to tell you DH how they are making you feel with their two faced  compliments and then tell him you will not put up with it. Sometimes you have to get nasty, also you dont have to allow them in your home if hes not there(not one of my inlaws is allowed here if DH isnt here and I dont answer their phone  calls either) Avoidence is what I learned but I will not take myself away from my kids when we have to visit anymore, I did that too, now they either shut up and deal with me or they can try to say something nasty and then there will be a huge argument. I had to tell DH that I would no longer take what they were giving me verbally and if he heard a fight start to just remember that Im protecting myself and didnt start it.

  Also even tho I dont think this is a very good excuse, maybe she is going through menopause and you could somehow bring up the fact that maybe she should go to the doctor and get overly medicated to deal with the mood swings.

Good Luck

It's good to hear that somoeone else out there can understand my frustration. Luckily in my situation the mother appears to like me quite a bit, but if only she spoke fluent English! If she spoke fluent English I think I would actually have a chat with her about her daughters. Avoidance has become my game also. I will not go there unless he makes me, and when I am in their house (both SIL's live with MIL) I spend most of my time hanging out with the kids just to avoid the SIL's. And they NEVER come to our house.. probably because they know I'd not want them there.. but to be honest, they never came to our house, not even in the beginning when they were trying to make a good first impression. It's weird, their relationship with their brother is on their terms- if he didn't call them or go over there, he'd never hear from them. Isn't that strange? It's as if he only matters when he is able to do something for them... I wish he could see that. Thanks for the hint on being nasty... it's something I've just begun doing with my DH- I no longer hide how I feel about his sisters because I realized a couple of months ago just how unhealthy that was.. so I even went so far as to tell him yesterday that let's just agree that his sisters suck and one of them I will always hate and never forgive after the horrible things she's done to me and we can also agree that he doesn't have to like either of my pain in the butt brothers and if ever one of them is nasty to him the way my SIL's have been to me, I would fully expect him not to like them either... plain and simple. But boy oh boy I just wish they would go away.. do you know how hard it is to put on a happy face when we're at their house? I hate going there! I'd rather have my teeth pulled!!!

My DH family is also from The Dominican Republic and I too went through much of the same with his family...in fact SSILS are probably still in touch with some of his exs. I think its a cultural thing that somehow doesnt transcend normal family or personal boundaries very antiquated and very backward...much like the hair thing...a lot of Dominicans are very pre-occupied with skin colour/ hair texture etc. etc and I think are still stuck in the colonial/slave mentality. It may be a blessing in disguise that your MIL and you cant really talk about the issues because if I know one thing about their culture, the Mothers and sisters and family can DO NO WRONG. Its everyone else that is wrong. Anyway good luck and keep your marriage strong by keeping everyone else out of it.

I would suggest that instead of visiting your mil at her home, that you visit her by picking her up now and then for a lunch out. I also don't think your husband is obligated to be the one calling and maintaining the relationship- unless doing all the work is fine with him.

My husband has a sister who expects us to do all the calling, etc. If we don't, she pouts and tells everyone how long its been since she heard from her brother (as if the phone only works one way?). Anyhow, my husband decided at the first of the year to stop calling her altogether. He just became tired of her dramas!

My situation is different in that FH and I are from similar cultural and ethnic backgrounds,... and in that MY MIL does NOT like me.... BUT, I have the same problem with the SIL being friends with his EX..

My SILs seem to only contact/assiociate with the EX when I "step out of line" (in their eyes)... SO, they use the friendship like a relatiation.... "a sucker punch", in a way... A few weeks ago, when they were all mad at me because I confronted MIL about nasty things she had said about me, SILs called the Ex and asked her to come over to MIL/FIL house so that they could have a family sleep over...   (yep, SIL and families, MIL, FIL and the ex)... HUM....

OBVIOUSLY they only did that to "show me" that I was not "welcome" in their family since I was going to "misbehave" by standing up for myself....and that the Ex is welcome.... Note that they had not made contact with her for over a year prior to that.... so, it was very obvious that it was for "effect"....

My SILs and MIL are JEALOUS (insanely) that my FH has chosen to be "loyal" to me.... He tells me what they all say about me behind my back and they feel that this is a betrayal to "the family"... THANKFULLY, FH realizes how WACKED they are and IS loyal to me (our family).... His SILs let MIL talk nasty about their husbands and put up with her crap, so they expect my FH and me to do the same.. NO WAY...

So, yes, I think you are right.. they are totally jealous that your DH loves you and that you are his family... Is it possible for you to get him on board (see from your perspective),... understanding how they make you feel, and have HIM stand up for you? It would be nice if he would tell them that they are not only disrespecting you, but are also disrespecting him when they treat you that way.... And does he mind them hanging out with the exs or is he alright with it? If it makes him uncomfortable, he has every right to tell them that HE is not comfortable with their friendship because of how these women treated him..

I agree with the others.. be patient. Avoid when you can... and in the meantime, try to get your DH to empathize with you and understand how they are making you feel....

Hang in there.

erinn222, wow after i read your post i wondered, what kind of loser is the EX to be going to sleepovers at her ex's familys house....what the?????- i just cant get over that, makes u wonder why she is an ex, when she got along soo well with them, or are they just using her as a mindless pawn in this game against u?

i remember the whole "loyalty" game that the family used to play with dh ears ago , and still do from time to time but doesnt really have that big of an impact anymore,  it really got SIL pissed right off when DH would repeat what SIL said to me, get my take on it and then tell SIL and then she would be like "why do u tell her anything- dont tell the mother of your child anything it is better that way"..boy would they get rank!!!

Well, the EX is a mini-clone of MIL... this is one of the main reasons my FH divorced her... Once he went to therapy and realized that he had "married his mother" basically, it all became clear why he was so miserable... It's basic pyschology... people typically repeat patterns that are familiar to them... BUT, once he realized what he had done (8 years into it), he got out. He tried for several years to get out and EX would manipulate him in any way possible... including threatening suicide, and even getting pregnant...MY FH is a sweet, compassionate man who wants and tries to help everyone. He was easy manipulated (by ex and MIL).... MIL is queen of manipulation, guilt and control and the EX is Princess of it.... SO, when "the family" invited her to come, it was just a "AH HA, SEE!! They liked ME!" sort of thing.. Another way to "dig" at my FH (which she does ANY chance she gets)...

Fortunately, it didn't work out and she was unable to go... b/c the SILs had to postpone their trip... but, the whole thing left a bitter taste in our mouths... And, like I said, the bright side of it all is that it opened his eyes even wider, to what his family is capable of doing to "prove a point" and to get their way.

He is shocked, sad, and angry... I feel bad for him. The people he thought cared about him, turned on him instantly when FH did not do exactly what they expected him to do.. or told him to do... It HAS to hurt. Conditional love....