Have you tried to get him read the book "Toxic In-laws" or at least the section(s) that applies to your relationship and his family?

Honestly, I read the book (actually, still reading) -but I read parts of it with my FH and he had this series of "ah-ha" moments about his mother/sisters/family. He says it opened his eyes to see that they way his family behaves is NOT okay... and since then, he really has  been standing up to them (more than he typically does... baby steps)....
I dunno... it helped us.... Is your H open to that?

I've heard a lot about this book and I should probably check it out.

I wish it had a different title though.  No way is hubby going to be ok with anything that labels his parents as 'toxic'.  Even if I explain that they aren't toxic but that they probably do some of the things in there.  He'll still think I'm name calling.

Do they give advice on how to talk to the inlaws?  I'm thinking maybe I should just sit down with them.  I could get DH to agree to that as long as he didn't have to say anything and as long as they didn't argue.

I am almost finished with the book... they do give advice/scripts on how to talk to inlaws.... the scripts are all that useful for me, but you might find them to be....

The best part of the book, for us, was that my FH became aware that MIL's actions were REAL and not just me overreacting...AND That he needs to "stand up to" MIL and SIL and tell them that some changes are going to be made...  It is also giving ME another perspective on why they behave like they do.... and I am hoping to draw upon that in those moments when I would like to snap their heads off..... I hope to be more patient and maybe "gently" shift the power over to our family - so that it does not feel like I am yanking the rug out from underneath them... that's my hope anyway..

I'll let you know more when I finish the book...

I am definitely going to try and get ahold of it.  Let me know what you learn!

I really need him to realize that his family's actions are real.  I don't think they are bad people and I don't think they intend or even want to be overbearing but they ARE!  It's not just me making it up and I'm sick of him using that excuse to avoid things.

Well, I am almost finished with the book -I think it might be helpful to you. She gives you scripts and phrases to use that are non-defensive (as a guide, or course)... The last few chapters give you strategies on how to talk to your Hubby and "get him on your team and help you make him understand how their behaviors affect your feelings and your relationship"... about how to establish boundaries....  It's pretty good. You should look into it... You don't have to label them "toxic" to him, if you don't want (keep that little jewel for yourself ). Good luck..