Hello ladies

Sorry to launch straight into a vent but this happened a couple of days ago, and I'm still a bit shocked by it.  It's one of those situations where I've always had a strong idea that behind the "you're a very special daughter-in-law" spiel is a woman who would slag me off if it suited her.  And it has.  And she has.  And now I know.

My mother in law is a very needy, manipulative woman who stores up perceived wrongs for years and years.  She will never express anger to your face.  Instead of saying: “I am angry with you” she will wait until say someone else makes a negative comment about you, and then she will ‘accidently’ let that comment slip, so it’s not her that’s being unkind to you.  She also specialises in a whimpery victim voice that makes me want to slap her round the head with a plank.  She is also a prescription drug abuser.  She has a brother called M who she has a love/hate relationship with.  My husband gets on ok with his mum but really dislikes his uncle M and when M comes over to the UK to visit, my husband never sees him.

A short while ago, mil takes an accidental overdose and goes into hospital.  My hubby and son and I go to visit her.  In a druggy fug as though I wasn’t there, she suddenly said that the reason why M thinks my husband never sees him is because I’ve been preventing it.  I’m such a bitch apparently that I’ve forbidden my husband from seeing his uncle.  

My mil knows this isn’t true.  She knows that the real reason why my husband won’t see his uncle is because of his own personal dislike and it’s nothing to do with me.  But she has allowed and encouraged her brother to think that it’s all down to me, her ball breaking bitch of a daughter in law.  Or she told him herself that it was all down to me.  

All the while she’s telling me how fond she is of me, what a special daughter in law I am, blah blah.  

I was shocked and angry and asked my husband to stick up for me.  To ring and confront his uncle directly instead of continuing the family tradition of whining and bitching behind backs and instead tell him straight that I’m not the reason why he doesn’t see M.  He said that he would.  

So far he hasn’t.  On the one hand I don’t care what this spineless prick thinks of me, and it’s confirmed what I’ve always thought of my mil, that she’s afraid of me and dislikes me.  Of course what is really upsetting me is that my hubby hasn’t yet SORTED it.  Stuck up for me! I really think that unless he does, our marriage is seriously in trouble.  

Today my sis in law phones me and is trying to smooth things over.  Apparently mil has emerged from her drug fog and is aware of what she said and knows she’s opened a real can of worms.  And guess what – she’s got me a birthday present!  And has told my sis in law that she’s feeling “very fragile”.  Bollocks.  That women is about as fragile as a tramps boot.

I would suggest that you sit down and talk with your DH about his lack of standing up for you. I've never had a problem with my FH saying things when IL's have bad mouthed me directly.

Are you really just going to throw your marrige out the window because of this? There will be much harder things in life, this is something sad to use as an excuse.

Who cares what the uncle thinks. If you don't have to deal with him then why does it matter? Everyone on here who has MIL problems has someone thinking that they are controling the guy. So unless its the truth just let it go

I have talked with my husband about this and he keeps saying he'll speak to his mother and his uncle.  But he keeps making excuses.  

I couldn't care less what the uncle thinks.  I don't particularly care what my mil thinks of me either.  But I do care that my hubby hasn't stuck up for me.  And that he's not taking my feelings seriously.

Have you read Toxic InLaws? It could help
Maybe go to couples counciling, having someone else directly the talk could really help

Yeah . .counselling would be helpful, you're right.  We did go a while ago but he decided he "didn't like the counsellor" so I changed to another one, so he decided this one was "too nosey".  Er . .isn't that her job?  

As has become very clear from reading this forum, the mil problem is not a problem at all if your partner is supportive and sides with you.  It's when he doesn't that you feel so alone and victimised.  The thing is, this supposedly trivial incident is the latest in a long line of 'trivial incidents'.  The mil 'accidently' letting slip that she hates my son's name and why didn't we choose the name SHE liked?  Or mil offering to babysit and always 'falling ill' on the day.  Husband just shrugs and says 'she's a bit bitter' and that's supposed to make it all better.

But this latest bs has tipped me over the edge.  I know if I confront her she'll burst into tears and then complain that I'm "so mean and unreasonable".  So I'm going to see a counsellor and insisting he comes with me.  He really is refusing to see how poisonous she can be.

Men sometimes (OFTEN, actually) have blinders on where their mothers are concerned. Even when faced with undisputable evidence, they still often refuse to see their mothers in a negative light.  Also, they are still so afraid of rocking the boat and upsetting their mommy. This must come from childhood, when their mothers laid on a guilt trip if they dared to upset them.

My MIL plays the "wimpy victim" a lot, too.  One thing I've learned is this:  Stay as far away from her as possible! Avoid situations with her.  If she wants to talk smack to someone else, just approach the other person (if you feel you can) to "clear up" anything that needs clearing up, but otherwise, you may have to just trust that other people are smart enough to remember back to your husband's past and realize he's had issues with the uncle for a long time.  

She wants to place the blame on you?  It's just her way of trying to make you look bad to other people.  The fact she is splitting hairs to find such a stupid thing to work with shows her desperation!  She can't find anything else negative to say about you, so she scrambles for things - even attributing blame to you for things you have nothing to do with.  This really is a sign of a desperate woman.

You stole her baby away from her, and she's lashing back.  Sit back and grin, my dear.  It clearly drives her crazy you and your hubby are so happy together. She wants to be the sole reason for her son's joy, and since she isn't, she wants to somehow take the wind out of your sails to somehow disrupt the joy you and your hubby share together.

Councelling may or may not work, but realize your hubby has been manipulated by her since birth.  It will take an act of god (maybe literally) for him to truly SEE it.  A therapist cannot help him if he is not ready and willing to be helped to see how manipulative his mother is.  So, maybe you will have to settle with this for now: "Dear, you seem to realize - at times - that your mother can be manipulative of people around her.  She seems bent on trying to make me look bad to other people, even if she does it subtly or "accidently".  I don't expect you to be able to fix that, I just want you to recognize it to ME.  If you are confronted by your uncle about the situation, all I ask is that you make sure he realizes that your reasons for being upset with him stem back from YEARS before I even came along.  I also would ask that, if the subject comes up with your mom, you make sure to correct her if she mentions it in front of you. Do we have a deal?"

You may have to settle for small victories in this situation for now.  I'm sure your hubby loves you very much, he is just at a loss as to how to protect his wife without rocking the boat with Mommy.  That's a hard thing for many guys to deal with.

This post was last modified: 06-08-2008 09:29 AM by mainegirl.

Exactly what mainegirl said.  My dh doesn't stick up for me when it comes to my monster in law.  I'd have a better chance of winning the lottery.  Somehow she has received sainthood without dying.  The space suggestion is the best thing.  I hadn't seen her since Christmas and I screwed up and saw her a week or two ago.   She was her normal(that is loosely speaking) offensive self.  OOOhh well. I can train dogs, cats,birds, horses and goats.  I haven't figured out how to train the MIL.  Maybe I should try clicker training?

I'm telling you, Lopi, just grin and bear it! It'll drive her CRAZY if she thinks her rudeness and offensiveness doesn't bother you!

Thanks for your help ladies.  The real issue as we've discussed elsewhere is the husband's or boyfriend's refusal to stick up for us.

Further developments.  My mil after coming out of hospital now needs someone to come and hold her hand while she's being assessed by a doctor.  ALL her children, including my husband are away or busy, and my sister in law, fully aware of the lies mil had been saying behind my back ASKED ME.  Because I'm freelance, I don't have any work to do.  As it is I have a major deadline.  And I said 'NO'.  I'm sick of swallowing this shit.  Not only has mil slagged me off and refused to apologise, and hubby seems oblivious, but now I'm expected to take time off work to go and hold her hand while she's being checked out at the doctors; because all three of her children are busy doing other things.

I said a flat 'No' and oddly enough it made my husband realise how serious I was.  That I wasn't going to be 'nice' for the sake of piece.  And sometimes being 'nice' is just another way of 'rolling over and taking it'.  He went round to see his mother and told her that he was angry at her conniving behaviour and was generally sick of the family bitching and sniping, and never confronting.  And he wanted her to apologise to me.

It's been three weeks and no apology.  But hubby has said he's not going to let her forget it.  And I don't care if she doesn't apologise - it wasn't what I wanted.  I've got what I wanted which was my husband to stand up for me.  Sometimes it pays to get really angry.

Thanks again for your help and advice ladies.

Nice! Go hubby! I love it!!!