Tortured Daughters-In-Law

So dh sent his mom an innucuous email- trying to avoid having an argument with her. Here is what he sent:

"Mom,

I realize you have been calling. I wanted to let you know that we and the kids are doing fine.

Things are really hectic at work, and around the house. The kids are all a big wonderful hand full. We stay very busy and are enjoying the weather.

Thanks for asking about everyone, hope you are enjoying summer, too."

Here is what she sent back...

"Hi
So glad to hear that you guys are doing well, am very disappointed
that you could not take the time to call.
Busy is a very lame excuse for not calling your mother.  I really
don't know why you are avoiding me but i guess time will tell me, i
know that i have not done or said anything to upset you, i have
limited my time seeing the children, since it is being made so
difficult for me to see them. I guess you have your reasons but i
think if you want me out of your life and out of the kids life that
you should say so.
I will be out of the country Aug. 6 thru 20 so i will not be here to
interfere in their birthdays.
Remember that i will always love you
Mom"

I really feel like I might vomit. These people are NOT happy unless you are either kissing their arse, or arguing with them about kissing their arse. She has no idea what she had said or done? We aren't even welcome in her home and shes nitpicking that we have asked her to call a day or two ahead and let us know when she plans on visiting??? If someone goes 5-6 weeks without calling or visiting, don't you think its understandable that the host might need a "head's up" to prepare??? And we word it like this "You know, with it being summer we make plans pretty quickly. If you call in advance and let us know when you want to come, we can schedule the day around your visit".

And about me only wanting her to visit when dh is here? I said "It would be better if you came on weekends- you know DH misses you and wants to see you, too!".

And thats what shes griping about- how "difficult" we make it for us to see the kids. We are practically sickening we have been so nice!

How can she not see that us avoiding arguing with her is to KEEP her in our lives? Granted we have ben limiting her in that capacity, but only bcause she takes pot shots at us and the entire family fixates on gossip.

I HATE HER.

I suppose she is trying to make us be the bad guys here. She wants to push our buttons so she can have the satisfaction of a big bru ha ha. We have decided for the moment to ignore this. Tomorrow we might have a change of heart. Who knows.

PLEASE remember that you guys are NOT the bad guys here... You are taking care of your health, your marriage, and your children. If she is so selfcentered that she cannot see, or does not care how she affects your family.... her son's family... then it's just sad..... It sounds like she can't or refuses to take a look in the mirror and accept accountability for her part in your situation...It's just sad for all of you...

And, I, personally, feel that it's ridiculous that she will not allow you guys in her house, but expects to be welcomed into your at any/all times.... - THAT is crazy.... It sounds like you have tried very hard to make compromises and to be flexible for the sake of "keeping peace". You've done MUCH better than I have done at being accepting and welcoming of your mean ILs... Don't let her get you down.... That email was simply a guilt attempt.... wahhh-wahhh. Poor MIL is being kept away from her son and grandchildren...
WHATEVER!

Hang tough... Tell hubby to hang tough. Take care of yourself and your family!!! Sorry that you keep having Mamadrama...

She's a major biotch! She's not even my mil & I want to tell her off! Ignore her. She is acting like a spoiled brat and someone took her toy away. The fact that you guys show her that she doesn't matter and you don't care, the more upset she gets and throws a tantrum! There is a bright side though - THE WICKED OLD WITCH WILL BE GONE for 14 days! You guys are doing great. H

Sorry, I pressed enter but I meant to say was  - Hang in there. Maybe when she is on her vacation out of the country she can ponder on ways to try to improve the relationship with your family. Let it roll of your back. Don't get upset, because that's exactly what she wants. She wants a reaction. Don't give it to her. Keep your chin up, and keep us informed. :)

Its just so crazy... she says she has "Said and done nothing". Bullcrap! We aren't even permited in her driveway. Really, under such absurd conditions for a relationship, she should be happy to take whatever scraps we give her. We have by every right the ability to say "OK, then you aren't welcome here, either". She knows this, and yet has no respect for the fact that we haven't... thatw e have tried to compromise and be nice.

I now know why you get so sick to your stomach, because she's a looney bird! I think she is used to getting exactly what she wants all the time reguardless of how she treats others. What a biotch! So what are you and dh going to do?

God, what a poor poor me email.  Blech.  I really get irritated at passive agressive/guilt stuff.

The thing is that he did contact her and said you guys were very busy.  Why can't she accept that?  Or if she wants to see the kids actively try and set something up that works for everyone involved?

I have noticed that his entire family enjoys bru-ha-ha's and fights. I think she won't accept his email because it is peaceful. She knows we are avoiding her right now- but, we haven't made any decisions long term. We were really wanting time to sort through all of this and decide how to proceed. Thats not good enough. Everything has to be on their terms. My goodness, the woman will go 6-8 weeks without a peep, but the moment she decides she wants to see the kids, we better get off our arses and entertain her!!!

Under normal circumstances, I think email is cowardly in the face of conflict. I would rather we call her. But, it was my idea to email because I happen to know that his mom will go from one extreme to the other- rage to tears. That makes both me and my dh uncomfortable, so we decided on email.

I don't know what we will do. Probably ignore it for now. We can't win. Its a "lose-lose" situation.

Yeah, if she really wanted to see the kids, why can't she compromise??? Everyone and his uncle "gets" that with four under the age of 2, we are pretty much overwhelmed. Why can't she "get" that?

Yeah email is a good way to state the fact without bringing in emotions.

my mil does the same thing. we have a tally to see how long it takes for her to call. we dont bother to ring her anymore, cos if she cant bother for call us once every three months. we wont bother her.
Ur MIL is very selfish and assumes just cos she has no life that u wouldnt either.

the keeping the peace thing is a good idea. hubby and i do it- it doesnt neccessarily fix anything but keeps us sane, plus i know nothing will be fixed with my ils and prob the same with u.

i wouldnt react to that email. as much as i would want to rip her another one and list 4 millon things she has done and forward it to everyone she knows (haha im evil)- its better to just leave her sit and think.