Out of curiosity, does anyone here have issues with their own parents?
My dh and I have joked that what drew us to one another was being children of mutually dysfunctional parents. My mom is controlling and emotionally abusive, my dad an enabler.
I probably hoped to marry and have a MIL who could be the "mom I always wanted"- supportive, nurturing, and compassionate. My mom is reclusive and withholds affection and support. Critical.
My dad is a great guy and I adore him, but he is a total enabler and will back my mom to save his own hide, as well as scapegoat anyone around to avoid arguments with her.
In my family, it was the opposite. My mom was very loving to me, but an enabler to my step-dad's controlling ways. Strangely, however, both parents were very good to my ex-husband, and actually treated him better than ME! LOL! My mom has now passed, and my step-dad is no longer in my life (his choice), but I know that if my mom were still around, she'd be wonderful to my new hubby - that's just the way she was.
I have told everyone and anyone who will listen to me all of my life how blessed I am to have my parents. I love them both to death and have really learned how much so since moving to Canada 3 years ago to be with hubby. I miss them like crazy and spend as much time with them as I can. They love my husband as does the rest of my family and we all get along great.
Thats wonderful! I would miss them, too.
My family is very functional. My parents are selfless hard working loving people. My father and mother have never ever said anything derogatory against my dh in 23 years. Shall we compare.
My father says... You must do what is right for your family
His mother says... You must do what is right for you son.
My father says..I am so proud of my grandkids.
his mother says..My grandson is fucking up again
My father asks to speak to my dh during calls.
His mother doesnt reconize my voice on the phone and hangs up thinking she called a wrong number.
(I can remember last Thanksgiving when I called my folks on my cellphone and after talking to them, they asked to speak to my dh and I handed him the phone. He called my mother "mom" and his own mother got this horrible prune face look.)
My father includes my dh in conversations.
His mother talks over my head and pretends Im not there.
My father tells my kids what a wonderful father they have.
His mother puts me down in front of my kids but behind my back.
My father says moving back to maine was the right thing to do.
His mother calls my dad controlling and says she doesnt like him.
I could go on here but will cut it short, I think you get the point.
How awful, Jeanine. :-( Both of our parents- dh's mom and dad and my mom- are critical. I have learned to not disclose anything to my parents they can judge me or my kids for.
My father is a kind man like yours.
My father is a kind man, thankyou very much for that warm fuzzy.
Both my parents are wonderful. When I told my mother what (in mainegirls words here) the biotch said about my dad being controlling, my mother said, " and she isnt?" I have to admit here that my father is finally fed up with my mil and he has finally let me know after 23 years that he doesnt like the way she treats me. But that is all he will say. He is way too kind.
How did I miss this post in August? Eesh...
I have a dysfuntional family too! I've spent many years in and out of therapy because of them... breaking from them, then setting new boundaries... and finally accepting who they are and our "new" relationship.... I don't expect too much from them anymore.. Acceptance of reality and letting go of "I wish it was" is so huge.
My sister is psycho (selfish, controlling, manipulative, narcisstic) and everyone walks on eggshells with her.. it is sick.
I accept that she is not going to change, as well as the fact that my family will always enable her, so I need to remove myself from the situation so it doesn't bother me!
My Mom used to be JUST like her (when I was growing up), but Mom has done some soul-searching and has grown a lot. If I'm being honest though, she is an engulfer.... She would like for all her kids/family to be together, in each others' lives (and hers), at all times... and has a hard time with the boundaries... [Note: not with me b/c I live 4 hours away - and one of the reasons I moved so far away, might I add]... I see it with my brother and his wife...
I accept that my Mom wasn't be best Mom ever -but that she did the best she could at the time, and recognize that she has grown and continues to grow.
My dad is just a bumbling idiot who experimented WAY too much in the 60s/70s and is paying the price now... We are friendly, but not friends. He does not know me, nor does he care too.... I feel sorry for him. There is not much depth there...
I accept that he is who he is and that it's not that he does not want a real relationship with me, but that he is incapable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone. It's not him.
So, yes, Twinkle, I have major dyfunction too... and spent ALL of my twenties bumbling through it to get myself healthier...
Like jeanine here are some comparisons
His parents still see him as a kid, still call him that (he is 32).
My parents have transitioned into an adult relationship with me.
His mother calls me her kid even though it bothers me and I have asked her not to.
My mother likes and accepts him but would never call him her kid.
His mother wants to organize his life.
My mother will always offer advice but knows I need to make my own decisions.
They try to control things based on what they think he cannot do because he is a "kid." (Example: his stepdad would not lend him a chainsaw, his mother said :He's afraid you kids will get hurt.")
My parents have gotten our help to do things on several occasions. My father likes to have me with him when handling horses because he knows I know what to do.
His parents try to control situations to ensure they see him and start harassing and haranguing us months in advance to try to control the situation. When told plans she pitches a fit if it's not what she wants.
I raised both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents first. For Christmas I was told that if we did not make it there Christmas Day it was fine, we could just go whenever was good for us.
His mother coddles the whole time you are there and will not accept no for an answer.
My mother offers once then leaves us alone and makes sure we know where things are so we can help ourselves.
I am blessed that I have a wonderful family. My parents have been married over 55 years to each other. My sister and I are 21 years apart but we have a great relationship. Is my family perfect? Absolutely not. We have issues, just like other families, but we aren't dysfunctional and we know how to clear the air and repair relationships with love and respect, something my DH's family clearly doesn't get.