Tortured Daughters-In-Law

DH leaves the decision about who visits the kids up to me. I suppose because I am their mom and he trusts me to know whats best for them.

I have mainly mentioned one of my dh's sisters- he has three.

1. sister A is the eldest of them. she is a controlling guilt manipulator like her mom. she is the one who showed up at our home on the 4th of July uninvited and made a scene here in front of my sister. Shes banned from our home- by both of us.

2. sister B is the one who tries hard, but seems to think her role is family "peacemaker" and goes between everyone... unfortunately not always to a good end, since she doesn't have the discretion to keep some bits of toxic information to herself. Her peace making efforts usually result in continuation of family arguments. :-(

3. sister C is a recovering addict. She was the baby for 10 years (until hubby came along). She doesn't meddle in the family problems, has never said anything mean to either of us, and tries hard to be a positive person. However, she has perm. brain damage from the years of abusing alcohol and drugs even when she is sober... A quick example, she crafts and at Christmas she was wrapping presents in her craft room and inadvertently wrapped a RAZOR blade up in my elder twins gifts!!! She has also fallen asleep a few times in my floor, when she was supposed to be helping watch the kids. She snuck and smoked in my home while I was in the hospital and hid the ashes behind our toilet in a cup. DH wound up with a sinus infection and me sleeping in the other room because until our housekeeper came, neither of us knew why we had headaches in our bedroom!

I don't know what to say... she called yesterday and she said all the right things in a very healthy way to my dh. And to me (who she spoke to first). She said she heard we had an "unhealthy" visit with her elder sister, and was sorry. Said she was worried about us. Said that she wanted dh to know that her mother and elder sisters opinions of us were not a reflection of hers, and she cared for us and missed seeing us.

On a personal note, this p*sses me and dh off. His 3rd sister is not healthy enough to be enmeshed in these dramas. It was very obvious her mom and eldest sister were telling her very negative things and trying to suck her into the ongoing feud. DH, his second sister, and I have a rule to NEVER involve the third sister in any discussions about her family because we can both see how hard it is for her.  She is always teetering between dry and drunk, so we don't involve her in anything that could sway her in the wrong direction. We always reassure her that things are "fine" and to please not worry about us. Its just another example of how selfish dh's mom is to have told her about the argument on the 4th, and how her eldest daughter is exactly like her! So now his third sister is worrying about us and worrying we think she is angry and mad at us... And she asked directly when she could visit us.

*sighs*

Shes can actually the hardest one to have in my home. You just don't know what you will get. On a good day shes supportive, nurturing, focused and fun. On a bad day, shes fixating on something unhealthy, falling asleep (passing out), cursing in front of the kids, high, and accidentally leaving razors in our gifts.  She is like having a fifth child.

DH told her "we will get back to you when its a good time to come". Right now she appears to be clean and she seemed really good on the phone. But, if we start the visits with her back up, you just never know... I feel bad for punishing her when shes clean for what shes done when shes not, but my first priority is my own kids safety.

Also, I feel bad for her because shes a very sensitive person and having parents who were abusive probably led to her drug and alcohol problems. However, this isn't our fault, or our job to make better.  

UGH! I just don't know... my mom said as long as dh was here, too, it should be fine to have her visit us. I am just not sure I want to start her coming over again as I don't know how long this sobriety will last. I hate situations like this because I feel like I am not going to be happy either way. If we tell her "nows not a good time" I will worry over her feelings if shes sober and doing good, and if we say "sure, come on over" I will worry shes high and exposing my kids to her problems.

I tend to agree with your mom. If I were in your situation, I would probably have her over, but always keeping an "eye" out to see if anything is fishy... I think I remember you telling us that DH's family tries to "protect" SILc b/c she is fragile..... but, could you be blatantly honest with her? If she is in rehab or has been to rehab, they STRESS accountability... she SHOULD be able to hear a softened, politely put account of your fears and expectations when she is around your children.

I would have DH talk to her (or you two together) and tell her that you guys love her and miss her too...and that you are so happy for her that she is doing well; and that you are happy to have her back in your lives. But, that if you suspect that she has slipped back into bad habits/patterns, you will HAVE TO not allow her around the children.
Support her and accept her back in/around family, but let her know that you have to put your children's safely first and that means that if she is not on the "straight and narrow", she cannot come around.
???
Just a suggestion and what I would consider doing, if I were in your shoes. All families and family dynamics are different. Do you even want her around again or do you just feel sorry for her? What about DH? If you guys like her and would like her around, I would give it another shot, keep a close watch, and be honest with her about the "terms" of her coming around.....

I feel sorry for her more than I want her around. Is that awful? I feel like its opening a big can of worms, because if she is here and not clean, she takes it extremely personal and acts defiant if its mentioned.

Grrr..... that's a tough one... I mean, if you aren't honest with her about your concerns, then you aren't being true to yourself...... but, you seem like a very kind and thoughtful person, and I can tell that you don't want to hurt her feelings. BUT, you have to take care of yourself and your family...
It's a tough one; I wish you and DH the best of luck figuring it out.
:-/

Yeah... if I didn't have my own issues of avoiding conflict, this would be a lot easier!!! And my husband is as awkward around her as me- although he has before put her in line. This is an ongoing problem with me... I have a huge problem confronting "nice" people. And she IS nice. Nice, and an addict.

I never mentioned the razor blade to her, because when I mentioned it to sister #2 (she was here), she said "You'll make her feel bad about herself if you tell her what she did". I let myself be convinced it was wrong to tell her about the razor blade. How dumb is that??? If I can't tell someone they put a razor blade in my infants Christmas presents, do I need to expose myself to their possible drug use?

Perhaps I should use this even to work on boundaries.

Unfortunately, what this girl needs is help.  She doesn't need people to be enablers and be co-dependent with her, what she needs is some real help.  I would definately not leave her alone in your home, and I'd do the most loving thing you possibly could, which is help her to find some help.  She definately is being manipulated by her mother, which doesn't seem to help her situation.  The whole thing sounds really unhealthy, poor girl.  I know you guys love her and don't want to cause her any stress...but try to see if she'll consider some help, too.  You can still be there for her and help her get healthy.

She has plenty of help. She goes to N.A., A.A., and sees a shrink and is getting her own license in drug abuse counseling. I agree that there is some really foolish enabling going on. Two months ago she hit her 17 year old niece (sil #1's child) up for some codeine and the niece went directly to sister number 2 and dh's mom and told. They said NOTHING to sil 3. NOTHING. This disgusts me!!! I have also hesrd about them witness her driving drunk with her children in the car. I actually said "you knew she was drunk? you didn't take her keys?" I would of taken her keys or my dh in a heartbeat had we known!!!

The problem is the rest of the family hasn't gotten "help". As long as they are there to enabler her, she has an "Easy way" to get high and drink. And sadly, many addiction counselor are still addicts. She knows, she told me about it herself!

And to be honest, we have no time to help her. With four small children, we have very few resources left, you know? I guess thats part of the problem, she does need lots of help and hand holding, and we don't have it to give. My husband is 2 years behind on routine doctor visits, and so am I. We don't have time to care for anyone but the wee ones. This has been going on with her for years and years... the last time she relapsed she was doing crack and hooking up with strangers for sex (she is married).

I have convinced myself just in this thread that I don't want her in my home. It doesn't matter how sad we feel for her, we can't risk her relapsing and bringing her drugs and the lifestyle that goes with it in our home. And her lifestyle makes me feel angry and frightened. Thanks for letting me work through my feelings!

Twinkletoes, I'm glad the girl is getting help. It's too bad that any help she gets is being undermined by her own family :(  Those people definately need a wake-up call.  I'm glad you'll keep her out of your home. I know you care about her, but you have kids to worry about, too.  Good luck.

Oh its just too emotionally draining. His entire family are like a bunch of emotional vampires. I mean, even if her problems are problems we feel bad about, it just is another "issue" in the heap of things that make it "Tip toe" uncomfortable to be around anyone in his family. I actually feel myself enmeshed in this... getting all worked up and worried about their feelings and then when I step outside the situation and look in, I realize how nutty it all is!