Tortured Daughters-In-Law

OK, second time lucky, I tried to post this earlier on!

Yes, my delightful Mother- in- law! From my first meeting with her, I had a feeling she would be something of a chore, my BF had said she could be something of a snob and was very demanding.

Yes, both very good descriptions of this 'nightmare' creature.

She is controlling, manipulative, bitchy, intrusive, childish, a hypocrite, bitter, oh and the list goes on! I'll stop now as I am sure I can hear someone snoring!??!

Her husband is a slob who can't string a simple sentence together, unless he is making unfair and asinine comments, this is an area where he is rather talented! He is Pussy whipped and will nod at and do whatever 'she' tells him to. He really is quite thick.

I decided to cut all ties with them both after I found they were being unpleasant about me, again. In the past they have been TOTALLY irresponsible as parents, well, actually, they fail even now. Lets just say drugs, infedelity and a few other delights are part of their background! UGH!!!!

It was my birthday back on the 6th of August, and after my not having had anything to do with them for five months, I receive a card from her, noting how much 'she' wishes we were still friends. Now after having warned them TWICE before to stop making unpleasant comments about me, otherwise I would have nothing more to do with them, I find this both amusing and infuriating!

I am feeling somewhat dubious as to what her 'true' motives are.

If I do not accept her offer of friendship, I will be accused of not helping to mend the situation, if I do accept the offer, she will be straight back to her old and true ways!



I have thought about keeping a professional distance, and not being readily available. I can't stand the woman, or trust her or respect her.



Grrrrr! I am pulling my hair out here!

What to do!??? What to do............

Well, once bitten twice shy, you know?  I would tread very carefully, here.  If you don't respond at all, then you could be accused of not accepting her oh-so-sincere olive branch (can you hear my sarcastic tone there?).  I've played this game with my own MIL, so I know how it goes.  I would respond with something like this:  "Thank you for the card.  I agree with you that family should be friendly with one another.  I would like nothing more than when the family gets together for things to go smoother than it has in the past.  Thank you again for the card, and I hope everyone is well.  Love, Me"

I'd leave it very simple, just like that.  Notice I didn't put the words "I think we should be FRIENDS", nor did I say you should get together SOON. It simply says that when you DO get together, you hope it goes smoother than in the past.

Send that out to her, and then keep the situation at an arm's distance.  If she is sincere, then time will show that, right?  Until then, stay weary.  You can be "polite" without going out of your way, you know?  Don't get together SOON, though. Give it some time, and if you DO get together, I'd make it for a public dinner at a restaurant where there is less of a chance of things getting too personal or getting out of hand.  Also, at the end of dinner, you can hop in your car and LEAVE!  That keeps it friendly, but not TOO friendly.  Don't take your eyes off her, hon, as she may simply be looking to lull you back in so she can pull her crap again. Don't give her that opportunity.

Hello mainegirl, many thanks for your comments and advice. :)

So you have been there yourself! Is so tiring isn't it, and such a waste of valuable time.

I sent her a very short and precise response, just to acknowledge her card and 'well wish' and sent my regards.

You are right, I have to be oh so very wary of her, and watch every step. She is so manipulative, I hate this and know exactly what she is doing, what's more, she knows I am more intelligent than her and will be thinking along these lines.

It's so bloody stupid, but here we are, playing this stupid game......sigh!

How have things faired with your own MIL? Have you dealt with her OK, or at least cope a little better with her?

Well Sianey, my MIL used to ignore my emails unless there was something of interest to her (or unless she didn't like something I had to say or something that was going on). I used to try SO hard to win her over, so I'd keep emailing and sending cards and gifts, it was really ridiculous now that I think back on it.  She never cared, didn't even acknowledge when I sent gifts, or emails or anything.  SO, after the birth of our son, and she started emailing a bit more often, I started using her own tactics against her.  I'd ignore her emails unless it was something I was interested in. Many times, she'll slip something passive-aggressively rude in there, and if so I completely ignore the email.  If the email is nice, then I MIGHT (if I'm in a good mood) respond with a very brief email (just like she used to do to me).

She doesn't seem to be too thrilled with the shoe on the other foot, but I refuse to put up with her rude remarks, slights, and other stupid things she does.  She ignores the fact I have a daughter from my 1st marriage, which doesn't sit well with me.  She also feels it is ok to chide me about my weight, among other things.

Like I said, I just do what I can to ignore her, which seems to work well.  When she calls, I go for a walk or a drive. I ignore most emails. Etc. So, she'll email her son (but only occassionally), and waits for him to call her (because she likes the feeling that he misses her so much he'll call, rather than her lowering herself to actually call our house because, god forbid, she might get ME on the phone.  But, we have caller ID, so if it is a call from Australia, I automatically hand the phone to my hubby and then I go for a walk.)

I think she is finally realizing I won't allow her to poison my life or try to screw with my feelings anymore.  We've let her know she can't send packages just for "her grandson" without considering my daughter as well (she got all huffy about THAT request, let me tell you!).  I just keep her in her place, and as far from me as possible, and if I DO happen to feel generous enough to email, I make it short and sweet - I'm POLITE, but very short and sweet.

Out of curiosity- who is the pot stirrer telling you your mil is saying about you? How is it getting back to you?

If you had peace with cutting ties with her, I think its a good choice for you. I would let anyone know who is repeating gossip between the two of you (and theres the real poision, whoever tells you what the mil is saying, tells her what you said right back!) that you don't want to hear it, and I would keep my distance.

Hopefully your husband is supportive. Mine is and was from the moment we started dating. My ex, however, waivered between feeling "caught in the middle" and anger that he was being "forced" to choose a side. Blech.

BTW, my replies are short today- my time is limited... please don't interpret what I am saying as terse... I just am a bit overwhelmed with stuff on Mondays. :-)

We 'used' to e-mail each other, only with 'her' it was to dictate something or other!

Had I tried this? Had I done that? She thought this was the best way to do this or this, blah, blah etc...

She would always get a little dig in, somehow.

I blocked her e-mail addy when I decided to cut ties, haven't allowed them yet as I am still debating whether or not to get back in touch with her. Hmmmm......?

Well her comments to my BF about me really upset him, and it would be obvious from his behaviour that she was upsetting him again.

I can read him like a book! And eventually, after my asking him what IS REALLY wrong, he will spill....

She tends to jump to conclusions about me as well....AHEM!

My BF is so easy to read when he is stressed, and she is at the root of most of his stress, he gets to the stage where he can't deal with it anymore and needs to talk. It ALL comes out then.

He HAS to be firmer with her, tell her to stop just as she gets into nag mode. It puts pressure on him too.

Oh, please don't worry! I haven't picked up on this as negative behaviour!

There is quite a time difference between England and America, I understand.


I appreciate your replying at all!