Tortured Daughters-In-Law

My BF says that he can see things from both my point of view AND his mothers.

BUT!!!!

As I have pointed out, as she is the main source of the problem, and she was way before I came along, he has to understand that, despite his wanting peace, and not to be seen as taking sides, he has to identify where most of the negative behaviour is coming from.


I can only do my 50% to make things work, I shouldn't have to, but as she insists on being a complete Harpy, I will clearly have to do something, and that something is to carry on being me and being fair.


Sometimes his attitude makes me want to scream!

Yes, be nice for your Mummy, unless she is being a demanding bitch!

I have already come close to leaving him, so he knows I will walk if he doesn't deal with her as he should.

You can't be 'nice' to people who want to harm, they will walk all over you, and will keep walking....

She can't cut the apron strings, he needs to, if he doesn't I am OFF!...........

Well, be careful here. He is unlikely to side against Mummy until after you are married, and even then it may take time (it did for me, and we still deal with it from time to time).  Just....make it appear as though you are making some efforts to get along with her, while at the same time doing your VERY best to keep your distance from her!  Be VERY busy when Mummy wants to get together.  Start walking, and decide that when she calls is the perfect time for you to take a walk around the block (so that you aren't pulled onto the phone...or worse, you have to listen to him kissing up to her! Save yourself that frustration!).

Buy her a small token for xmas, and let your bf see it so he realizes you're "making efforts".  If it is really small, your MIL will get the hint of what you think of her (after all, we ARE all women, and we KNOW what a small, meaningless gift means when we get one, now don't we?)

Sometimes it is a delicate ballet with the men. I don't mean to belittle the men, but seriously, they can be idiots where their mommies are concerned.  Play the game a little, because if you nod and smile and make appearances of "making nice", then when it comes time to walk down the aisle, he'll remember that.  He'll see all your "efforts", so when mommy finally does something really big and really stupid (and inevitably they ALL do!), he'll look at it and realize you've done nothing to deserve his mother's wrath.  It'll come around, you just might have to be a bit patient.

I did have a giggle at your mention of choices for presents, a small one, yes the smaller the better!

I agree with you! Men seem to loose their brains where 'Mummy' is concerned! UGH! Makes me want to spit.

I am just so grateful that she lives in Portugal at the moment. They moved out there about 12 years ago, we are in England. She has talked about coming back here to live. Oh Lord!

There is alot of sense in what you are saying. I get so frustrated, but know I will have to put this little performance on to keep things steady.


I hope to god they DON'T move here!

We live in the USA and the in-laws live in Australia.  It is soooo wonderful to have them so far away, isn't it?  Every so often, look online for some festival or interesting thing going on in their area and forward it to them, saying "This sounds like so much fun, I saw it and thought of you!".  It will APPEAR as though you're being thoughtful, but in reality, you are reminding them of how great it is where they live.  At the same time, be sure to mention wonderful festivals and activities in your own area to your bf, just so he doesn't consider returning home.  As I said, it can be a delicate ballet.  Keep the faith, girl!

Hey- you aren't married yet?

I wouldn't count on him changing. If you suspect that this is going to be an ongoing issue, perhaps its a "Deal breaker". I wouldn't want to go into a marriage with a husband who wasn't standing right beside me. Its too stressful to battle a mean mil alone and you deserve to have a happy marriage!

Hi Twinkle Toes,


No we aren't married. He did propose a couple of years back, I said yes, but called it off after things got a little, messy, shall we say.

I am not really one for marriage, I am happy to be living with someone and can still commit, but the bonus is you can walk away if it doesn't work out.

I also haven't had children with him, I have one child from a previous relationship.


If I were to have a child with him, lord! I don't want to think about how bad she would be then....

Hah hah! Oh yes! I am sooooo glad they are abroad, and really do hope they don't come back to the UK.

We are actually looking to move to NewZealand in the next couple of years, here's hoping it happens before they set foot back here!

I agree with you about marriage... I think the only reason to get married is health insurance. Hee, hee.

You have a very healthy attitude, your mil is missing out!

I agree twinkle ;)... Only reason for marriage (health insurance)... which is why I still haven't set my wedding date yet.... ... I will, I will... ;)
Hang in there Sianey... I agree with the others about "playing the game"- give MIL just enough "attention" where you are polite, but not "engaging" She'll get the hint and BF will see what a wonderful, caring GF you are :)... My MIL is pure evil, has expressed that she hates me and wants me out of the picture... but I STILL "play the game"... short little emails to say "hi" - or to send pics of SD... You, too, can play the MIL game...

Yes, how true! Marriage may have some benefits, not always of the romantic kind though.


Romance seems to die off after marriage when I think of what friends tell me about their own relationships.

I try to stay level headed and balanced, but have to say I have had my moments. I get so far, cope so well and then I just have to let steam off! But it's always alot of steam!!!!

I am so glad I told her a few home truths before I cut ties. If we 'do' bandage things up, she will know I have her number and so I will maintain the upper hand.