Tortured Daughters-In-Law

I have thought about this on and off over the years, but more so recently.

I think in general, some people have problems with others, when they themselves are not happy with their lot. A person who is happy and content can allow others to just 'be', no fuss, no nonsense etc...

I don't know if any of you other ladies with nightmare MILs have picked up on any jealousy, or feelings of envy directed towards you, from dearest mother-in-law?

I look at my own MIL and trace back to where she was at my age, what she had acheived, or more importantly didn't, and I see what I think poses as a problem for her. It's nothing to do with my having done anything negative, it's all to do with my having done so much more or things of interest etc...

Four months after my 19th birthday, I had qualified to work with children professionally, at 19 she had her first child ( my BF's brother ) by the age of 21 I had started Pre-School teaching, at 22 she had her second child ( my BF ) Before I had my daughter ( at 27 ) I had worked mostly in education or had been promoted in other fields of work. She has never worked above what is basically non skillful work.

I have travelled a little, I am looking to make a living from selling my art work ( if my scribbles merit title of artwork!!  )   She hasn't ever really had much of an interest in anything that requires intellectual curiosity or a creative flair.


Her husband is not a good looking man, he is somethng of a slob and can't string a sentence together. He is the kind of person who believes in stereotypes, again, there is no intellectual curiosity in any way shape or form.

Now I have friends from ALL backgrounds of ALL races and of various ages, she is a dreadful snob, a terrible snob and tends to head in the same direction in all areas of her life.


I know she was somewhat intimidated by meeting my parents as my mother worked in Pathology and my father was a medic in the RAF, he was a Senior Air Craftsman.


She made such a show of herself when she met them, as she knew she was out of her depth when it came to trying to impress them, she had nothing to impress with! She really put on a perfromance trying to find something to 'out do' us with, and fell flat on her face as she was met with something that showed a more refined connection or involvement with whatever she tried to throw at us.

Neither of my parents were impressed with her, and actually warned me to keep an eye out as she could pose as a serious problem. I tried to joke about it and said I had told them she could be a handful, but they were really quite serious.


They actually said to me at the time, if there was one thing they demanded of me, it was that I would NEVER let that woman talk to me and treat me the way she talked to and treated her son.

They haven't met up with her since, my BF's father was in Portugal, so they didn't get to meet him, and don't seem to be in a hurry to, after learning of how they have behaved towards me at that time and since.


So. The green eyed monster might have quite a bit to do with the problem. The more I think about it and talk to friends about it, the more sense it makes and seems likely.

OK, she is something of a pest anyway, that's 'her'. Rude, dogmatic, intrusive, lacks empathy and sensitivity, a liar, but mixed with a bit of jealousy, a lethal combination!

My entire inlaws are jealous people. And it makes no sense. They are wealthy, they are cultured- they have all traveled and when I met my husband he knew "What wine went with what" and I still don't and furthermore don't like wine! My sil #2 travels to Europe if she wants to go to a spa. They are currently with mil in China to see the Olympics. They have lived all over the country, and know the best places to eat, shop, etc.

My family is more educated, but, I am basically a coal miners daughter. :-) My dad is a college educated engineer and a published author- but he works at a coal mine, and I grew up on the outskirts of my grandfathers farm and its still my most favorite respite in the world. My mother is a coal miners daughter in the truest since of the word- her father was a poor immigrant and it was the only work he could get.  I am a small town person, but I do try to have an open mind. My family has lived in one small area of my former state their entire lives- for several generations.

The first thing I noticed when I became acquainted with dh's family is that all of them downed one another behind eachothers backs... so and so's husband is "lazy", so and so's husband is an alcoholic (but they never address the sil's alcoholism), so and so used to do pills in the 60's. Come on!!! Who discusses something someone did 45 years ago???

They are also atheists... and please pardon me for saying this... but when someone arrives at atheism through study and logic, I feel thats their educated belief. But, when you have a family of non-college educated beauticians (who married money!), I think their atheism is more about their constant negativity. They are so hateful, so negative, that they can not fathom that there could be a higher power or an afterlife. No, when you die, you rot!  

In fact, I can't recall a single nice thing ever said about anyone from anyone in the family!!!

In my case, it is ABSOLUTELY about jealousy. I've thought A LOT about it; and I have discussed it in depth with my FH. MIL is jealous in every sense! She is jealous that my FH spends time with me; that he loves me; she is jealous that my SD accepts and loves me; she is jealous b/c I am the one Fh consults about major life decisions and because he turns to me for emotional support.; she was even jealous that FFIL liked me RIGHT away!!!! She is GREEN with envy. She has told FH that when he goes to visit them (and, if I am not there), he cannot text/call me b/c it is HER house and he has to follow HER rules - and SHE wants his time when he is there. She has told him that I was "stealing him away from her"! (sick)... She has made several "backhanded" compliments to me like "i like your new jeans... I wish I looked like THAT in jeans"  and "welllllll, aren't you the prettiest little family; you could win a pretty family contest"....(it's more in the tone.. you can't get the true meaning in words alone - you'd have to hear that jealously oozing in the tone)...

My FH is a recovering "mama's boy".... Mama has always run the show (and run his life)... so, now that someone stepped in and took that power away from MIL, she absolutely cannot stand it!!! I belive it is pure jealousy (and a feeling of lost control).....

They drive me crazy... THANKFULLY I have a FH who sees clearly now.. I don't even have to point things out (most times)... he sees through her pretty quickly ... It took a while to get there...

My MIL only came into ( a little ) money after her mother died and partly because of her husband getting a special pension after a brain haemorrhage, which left him unable to work.

They sold their house here, bought a cheap property in Portugal but actually financially don't have or spend much money.


They believe that as they live abroad, and have a swimming pool, they have climbed the social ladder.

They are terrible snobs as a result of this.

The reality is, they can't find a house here that they can afford to buy!


YIPPEEEEE!

Lets hope it stays that way!

Yes, that is part of it, we have dared take their little boys away from them, We are dreadful creatures! HAH!  

My own BF is a recovering Mummy's boy, he now understands the situation in a way he didn't at the beginning.

Loss of control, again I can identify that in my own charming MIL!

I think this is why she recently sent me a card saying she wishes we were still friends, she means she wishes she still knew about every little thing I was doing. Knowledge to her, is power, where our relationship and activities are concerned!

She's desperate to get 'in' somehow!

My MIL definately is insane about the loss of power.  She used to drive an hour to my (then fiance) hubby's apartment (which was actually a house she/her hubby owned near the college that all the kids stayed at so the parents could keep tabs on them).  She'd arrive around 6am or so on a Saturday morning after my sweetie had worked late the night before and wake him up, declaring he had to mow the lawn and clean the house.  It used to drive me crazy. She couldn't wait for a more reasonable time? Nope, because she just enjoyed the control of making my hubby jump and do whatever she asked.

This woman, when my hubby moved back home with his parents about 6 months before he moved here (merely to work at the local mill and earn a bunch of money to move with - and they were all very aware of that, too) and she would wake him up! He had his own alarm, but if he wasn't out of bed when she thought he should be to get to work "on time", she'd go in and wake him. He finally had to let her know that he was a big boy now and could get to work on time...and that, in fact, he was fully able to get to work and to classes when he was in college and living an hour away.  

When she was defeated by that, she started chiding him about painting his minatures in the house (he'd paint by the open screen door of his room, so no fumes, and he'd use paper under him, so no drips).  He ended up having to sneak it as though he were in high school again. It was pretty sad.

So, she definately is not happy he's here (without having asked her permission first), married me (definately without her permission), and that he comes to me for everything.  She APPEARS on the surface to have everything she needs (money, a nice hubby, etc), but clearly she has no clue how to truly be happy.  She was never able to accept her kids for who they are (except perhaps her evil daughter), which is a clear sign that she really can't accept herself.  Maybe she should try just loving people for who they are and drop the need to control everyone around her.  Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath...

That's the key trigger I think for these women, loss of what they see as their hold or power over their sons.


After having an argument with my BF ( when things really came to a head ) she 'told' us she was coming over to our house at 8a.m the following morning, to talk to me primarily!??! My BF said no way, you come at the time we had originally organised, which was at lunch time.

We said we needed to talk things through between 'us' as it's our relationship and we wanted to sort things out. Plus we had promised my ( our ) daughter that we would pop out in the morning so she could buy a toy she had her heart set on.

So what happened? The very next morning, and early in the morning, I woke up went downstairs for my morning wake up cup of tea, and who's car did I see pulling into the drive.

YUP! The bitch from hell.


I was livid, but went upstairs, woke my BF up, he and my daughter were fast asleep, and said guess who's outside parked on the drive!? He thought I was joking at first, but saw how angry I was, I told him to go and deal with her as I thought I might hit her! Seriously, I was that angry!

He told her we had been asleep, and needed to get ready to take my daughter out. I stayed upstairs out of sight. She had the damn cheek to tell him, that they would be back in an hour, and left.


I was fuming even more after hearing this, and told my BF to call her on her mobile and tell her she would come back when we had arranged. She argued that they couldn't, which was rubbish! As they were meant to come later that day anyway.


They came back just as I was leaving with my daughter, she had the cheek to ask me where was I going as she wanted to talk, I told her, we were carrying on with what we had planned, she wasn't meant to have been there at that time. She pushed for me to stay, I refused.

I was calm but firm, and made it clear, she wasn't meant to be there ( in other words she was intruding ) and I had already made plans which I wasn't going to change. I said goodbye and calmly walked off.


My family were fuming when I told them what happened.

She stayed with my BF for a while, but I made sure I took my time before I came back, I knew she would be stewing in her own toxic juices, that was enough for me!

I reminded her of that day when I told her some homes truths before I cut ties. I explained this was just one of the reasons why I didn't respect her and her husband. Oddly enough, she tried to skirt around that incident!  

Was there any chance she knew that you and BF had argued? I find that controlling people- in general whether inlaws or not- like to 'attack' and be 'in your face' when you are feeling vulnerable. For instance, I had a terrible time with my mil popping in on me while I was caring for newborn twins. Sometimes I cried after she left. She would show up to "help" and here I was in pj's without having even brushed my teeth, and staggering around from sleep deprivation. I kept thinking I should feel "grateful" that she was wanting to help. But you know what? As soon as I got into a routine and would be prepared for her visits and was calling and asking her to come see us, she would say "No" and sometimes not even answer her phone for two weeks straight! So, I sat and tried to figure out what happened. When I wanted to be alone and sit in my own filth, she popped in on me, giving me no more than 15 minutes notice... but, when I was prepared for guests and just wanted to enjoy having someone at my house to visit with me and the newborns, she would decline to come and dodge my phone calls...

She did the same thing the second time around. This time she offered/ promised to come, and we accepted. This time I was prepared for company to be here, and knew I needed the help desperately. I was going to have four babies under 12 months of age and recovering from a c-section! I had to take help anywhere offered! She was here the night we came home from the hospital, and said she was giving us the next day to ourselves- which we appreciated. But then she stopped taking my calls and when I called to say I just needed to know what time she was coming on the following Monday (her promised day to help) she had one of my sil's call to say she was sick. And that my twins had gave her diverticulosis!!! My mom has it, so I know that caring for twins didn't cause it. She then disappeared for five weeks, and I was stuck healing from surgery and had no help what so ever- carting four kids around with sutures and everything!

But, as soon as she is back, she starts popping in again, and when I didn't need help, or want it. And, when naptimes were being adjusted, so I was back to looking like the walking dead. We told her we needed her to give us some heads up, that we couldn't prepare for company with such short notice, and she took offense and called it "scheduling appointments" to see her OWN grandkids. Whatever!

Twinkletoes, you are one smart lady! I love to hear the stories of those who have out foxed their MIL! Excellent!

Yes, my MIL has done very similar, suddenly ringing to say she is on her way over! There is always the excuse that, as she is over visiting England for a short while and needs to cram in as many visits as she possibly can, she has to turn up when she can.

That basically means, we don't have a choice but to entertain her! In her eyes anyway.

Thankfully, I can get myself from looking haggered to respectable in a short space of time. I have to say, she has actually commented on my looking 'Glamorous' and how I always dress right for whatever occasion occurs, this is then followed by the comment, do you ever look a mess!? Hmmmm...


That was pretty low of your MIL to take advantage of you at a time when you would clearly have been exhausted! Four children under 12 months! I take my hat off to you. I had my daughter delivered by an Emergency C section, as she was breech, and I know how awful I felt! But I did only have the one child to contend with.


I have actually made a point of going out a couple of times when she's visited, just to get the message across that I do have a life and won't put everything on hold for her. She too has made snitty comments about this. But TOUGH!

I know she plays things the way she does because she 'knows' she is intruding.

One evening while she was visiting, I started cooking our supper, I was making curry and she actually made agreeable sounds about it. I said she should come over for supper herself some time and I'd cook it for her.

She then made the comment, ah well, it looks and smells so good because I am hungry and have to go back to ' her other son's house' and they have already said they are cooking my dinner for me, it's fish fingers and beans because of her two grandchildren.

I just casually said, well if you'd prefer childrens food, I can do that too! She smiled at me through clenched teeth as my BF was in the room and had laughed at what I'd said. He always mentions how good a cook I am when she visits, and has often said dishes that I have cooked that his mother used to favour while he was at home are better. She HATES this, I can feel her seething behind her false smiles.


I have a Green Man ornament mounted above a mirror which faces my front door, she asked about it and I explained that a friend gave it to me as a birthday present it brings good luck to the household and keeps bad forces and ill will from negative people at bay, apparently.

You should have seen her face!

You know that does make sense; that would explain why every time I buy something; she buys the same thing only bigger and more expensive why she calles non stop seeing what we're doing and where we are and who we're with..... why she brings people to our house when her house is twice as nice only ours is "new" and the only reason why she didn't go out and get the bigger more expensive house is b/c hers wouldn't sell....
Why didn't I think of that one?