I have not been getting along with my MIL since I have been married. My husband tells me that he thinks his mother is practically always wrong when she criticizes me on how I raise our son but he never ever tells his Mother to stop. It's like he's chicken to let her have it. I'm so sick of hearing her talk. We have a great marriage and are open to talk but he nor his brothers or sisters ever stick up to their mother. It makes me sick what she thinks she can get away with what she says to me and others!
This was always my major issue when it came to my Inlaws. I could almost stand the nasty things they said, if I knew that my husband would stick up for me. But I looked at the relationship that he had with them (they would say some pretty nasty things to him) and he never stood up for himself. It was then that I realized that if he couldnt do it to protect himself, how could he do it for me. But Im positive that If he had just said something in my defense things would have been completly different.
My ex never stood up for me, his mommy was always right. He would occasionally agree with me that she was being out of line or annoying, but I don't think it ever crossed his mind to say anything.
I used to have this problem with my FH. They were like that with him his whole life. I just talked to him and pointed out the way they were. He saw and was able to step up.
Did he ever resent you for it? That was my fear with my ex-fiance - that if he could have finally stood up to his mother (which in the end, he couldn't) that years down the line, he'd get angry for me affecting his relationship with his mother...
I have told my dh that I don't think that his mother is a bad mother to him, that she loves him dearly and would do anything under the sun for him. I told him that I have a hard time talking to her because she is rude and offensive. She may not realize that what she is saying is offensive (how I don't know) but it is still hurtful. She actually cornered my mother the 2nd time they met to preach to her about diets(my mom was 150+ and had gastric bypass surgery a few years later). I am currently learning about accepting things as the way they are, even though it may not be fair. If it creates less crap in my life then who is the worse?
Funny..... it was the same with my DH and his sister and their dad. NOBODY let my MIL have it... although many times, she said things that were out & out rude, and hurt feelings. Even my SIL sat there, and I could tell by the look on her face she was hurt, yet she said nothing. I phoned my SIL and tried to gang forces with her, to convince her to stand strong, and that we all should ban forces and help her mom treat people better. YAH RIGHT. The very same night, her mom phoned, and my SIL caved, spilling everything that I talked to her about. She told my MIL things that I didn't say, and embellished other things that I did say. It was funny really, because the start of the conversation with my SIL I said, " Don't get me wrong, I like your mom, but she needs to get her own life, and quit being a nosey rosey." My SIL agreed wholeheartedly, then told her mom that I said that my MIL could go to hell. I would never, and have never said anything bad about moms - I don't have one anymore, and I realize how important they are. Funny how weak people can be. Sad to go through life a doormat. At that moment, I realized one very important thing.... don't try to help those that won't help themselves. They'll only drag you down. If the rest of the family put up with the MIL fine, that was there business.... but I wasn't going to take it for very long.....
It would be nice if he laid some ground rules, but you can lay them, too. For one thing, you don't have to have her in your home, or go with your dh when he visits her. The other option would be to say "Thats not nice" or just "Ouch" when she says mean things. Simple, but to the point. Walk away afterwards. Or, stare blankly at her (like you don't understand her) then walk away. I like it when my husband makes a stand for me, but I also like making a stand for myself.
I hope tensions ease up for you. Its awful to have that sort of stress in your life.
Speaking of not sticking up for you.
I had an incident where my MIL came into my house while I was sitting at my kitchen table with friends and she tossed my sons "news of record" at me across the table and then she walked out without saying a word. ( he had gotten into trouble and been arrested for minor in possession)
My husband said that he stands up for me. When I mention this incident to him he goes and talks to his mother and then when I bring it up again he says to me...." thats not how mother sees it"....
Aargh! I hate the "That's not how mother sees it" line!
I can't tell you how often I've heard that. MIL imagines some insult where there was absolutely none, and she gripes about it long enough that he starts to see her point of view. "Mom is insecure and your intelligence brings out her insecurities" (as if that's my fault) or "Well, I can see how your tone of voice or delivery could have been mistaken."
I laughed out loud the last time DH came to bed and told me about one of these episodes MIL pulls on him. She finds something to get pissy about, then waits until I've gone to bed, then lets him have it for an hour. I know he tries to defend me, but he always comes back with this BS about how she sees it. She doesn't see straight on a clear, sunny day! How can he keep getting sucked into this?