Our last email from my dh's mother was last week. She made a snippy remark about how she would be out of the country and not "interfere" with the kids birthdays.

She kept her word. Their birthdays came and went without a peep from her. Or my husbands sisters. The only sister we heard from was the one we invited to our home on Saturday for a small party (VERY small, we only did it because she has been good to the kids and they like seeing her). She was nice to the kids, but only made catty remarks toward me, and left as soon as our other guests did.

Well, good riddance, but it sure makes me sad.

Sorry to hear about the Inlaws, if the sister in law that did attend was rude to you, don't have her back. Its bad enough that we all have to deal with rotten in laws...But my MIL learned that treating me like crap in my own home means you'll never be invited back again pretty damn quick.

Is it that easy? "Don't come back!". Gosh I wish it were- I really envy you- you have great boundaries. This SIL who was snotty to me has been nothing but wonderful to my kids. Until she does something snotty to them, I will allow her in their life... but, if she ever said something hateful to them, or to me in their company (where they could hear it), I WOULD say "Bye, bye!".

My problem is that she IS good to my kids. Ack!  

She really is a good person. She just has let herself get sucked into the whole drama with our mil and then it comes out. She would never even admit this. She doesn't realize that she is lashing out at us for their family problems. I have recently told her to stop repeating the negative stuff to us. We even canceled a joint vacation with her.

I have said my mil isn't welcome here again. BUT, I also told dh he was free to see her outside the home because she IS his mother. But, she has been snotty to me in front of my kids, and she has also went months without even acknowledging them. She is a very mean person and my kids deserve better.

Boundaries are my weakness. I can sit and empathize with any old meanie until I feel sorry for them. Like my mil? She has been verbally abused and beaten for years by my husbands dad. I can actually *see* and *feel* whats going on in her head. She is of a culture and religion that feels she is married till "Death do you part" and thinks she has sacrificed her life so her kids could have a family. She did her best to protect the kids from the abuse. Now she wants paybacks. Shes a codependent! She feels depressed and angry that no one appreciates how lonely and devoid of love her life has been.

My problem is this- WE are not responsible for how cruddy her lifes been. That was HER choice. Its not our responsibility to make her life better for her. But, knowing how bad it is, I have had serious problems having any sort of boundaries. I just keep thinking "But she has had it so bad!".

UGH!

Easy its not, it wasn't a matter of don't come back, after 3 years of being treated like garbage I just finally reached my breaking point.

I was inviting people to my home several times a month who were treating me like crap. And finally I realized I must be out of my mind to keep trying to have a relationship with people for whatever reason did not like me. Since I left my MIL's house in tears in January I have not been back, I travelled back to the US and visited my family for each and every holiday. My husband made it very clear to them since they have no respect for me that I would no longer be present at their family functions and they would no longer invited into our home. You would think it would have made things worse but actually its been a whole lot better.

I come from a large very loving family who all get along great, dh's family is small and extremely dysfunctional. It took a lot of arguments and tons of reading self help books to get to the point where we are now. My FIL is still rude and sends snotty emails which boggle my mind, I now just hit the delete button or forward them to my husband.

I sympathize with your situation with your MIL. Your MIL and mine are very similar and its easy to feel sorry for them. With her its not me, any girl dh has ever been with hasn't been good enough. She had a bad marriage which ended and has been in another dysfunctional relationship for the past 20 years. Its easy to feel sorry for them, but after a while that gets old too.

Maybe your dh can talk to his sister and let her know her comments to you are not going unnoticed.

This post was last modified: 08-05-2008 08:20 PM by Katalyst.

Argh... Well, the good news is MIL was true to her "threat".. the bad new is, you'll probably pay for it later!?!?! Right? Her emailed sounded like the poor wounded MIL expecting you to BEG her to be in your life and to apologize for your naughty behavior (puke)!... Since you didn't feed it, it probably only fed her fire...(which is not your fault - SHE is in the wrong here, not you); and your SIL is probably hearing all of it!... And she was probably snippy b/c she IS hearing all of it and you asked her to NOT relay any of it to you... It's kinda like she used to "vent" to you about what they were saying about you.. now, she has no one to vent to - so she is most likely frustrated/irritated....
Sorry she was rude to you. That stinks. AT LEAST she can separate the situation and still be involved with the children... and keep them out of it! You gotta give her credit on that one. She still came (for them), even though you guys are going through a rough transition period. There is probably a lot of good in her.. She just needs to find another outlet for her venting...

This post was last modified: 08-05-2008 09:42 PM by erin222.

Erin, do you think there is anything we should of replied to in DH's moms email?  I couldn't think of anything we could say except "Have a safe trip!". I don't know how to acknowledge anything else she said because it was all lies and guilt manipulation. I mean, good grief, we aren't even allowed in their driveway, and shes going to nitpick the fact I want her to call first?

I just completely see this as another attempt by his mom to make something in our life (in this case children's birthdays) about *her*.

But, if there is something I have done wrong, or we should be doing, I would like to know... I mean, if its possible we should be acknowledging her feelings? Ugh.

[I just completely see this as another attempt by his mom to make something in our life (in this case children's birthdays) about *her*. ]

Ohhhhh, this is so my MIL/FIL, everything is about them.[/quote]

NO WAY! I agree 100% that there was no point for you to reply to MIL email. It was MIL twisted attempt to make you feel guilty for not including her/calling her (as often as she likes or exactly like she expected you to do). I think she was looking for a response from you - that she might have expected you to feel bad and "baby" her into coming around. TOTAL manipulation. I think you reacted (by not reacting) appropriately!

What I was meaning to say was, if she is anything like MY MIL (and she seems to be)...This incident will be just one more gripe she adds to her list about you guys... one more inflictied wound for her to add to the list and b*tch about to others... One more reason for her to feel justified for not letting you guys come over (which is so beyond warped that I don't have words for it!). Just be ready.. she'll b*tch about it and play the "Poor Grandma" card.... "the poor Grandma who wasn't even allowed at her grandchildren's birthday party"... PUKE.

NO, I am "with you" totally... And I think your MIL is insane; and I think you guys were right to ignore her email....

Hey Twinkletoes! I got back from vacation last night. Wow! The upside is that your kids birthday was virtually drama free. Did they have a good time? I agree with Erin. Let it go. Like water off your back. I'm going to tell you something that a friend sent me it goes like this:

"There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama & the people who create it & surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."

Just thought that would make you feel better. I think your mil is a major biotch and hate what she is doing to you inside. I agree with Erin and don't e-mail her back. YES, she is going to continue to cause drama. I foresee a problem with the sil that is good to your kids because I think she feels some loyalty towards her family and is almost caught in the middle, so little contact with her would be best. Also, watch what you say around her because she will probably go back and tell them everything.
Try not to let them effect your life and mood. :) How was the kids birthday?

To Twinkletoes: NO WAY! I don't respond AT ALL when my MIL writes emails that contain hidden (and not-so-hidden) slights and barbs, manipulations, guilts, etc.  She throws in the barbs and then the rest of the email will seem sappy and sweet.  I just ignore the whole thing.  If the whole thing is not nice, then I have nothing to say to her.  I refuse to even let her know I read the email or had any reaction to it!  Don't play her game!

p.s. I'm glad the MIL didn't "interfere" with the bdays.  As for the SIL, I agree that a little patience with her might go a long way.  You have to remember:  she has been poisoned by MIL's thinking for a long time now. She's feeling conflicting loyalties and needs to sort that out within herself.  I suspect she'll be fine eventually, just have a little patience with her, and avoid talking about your MIL with her at ALL COSTS!