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		<title><![CDATA[Tortured Daughters-In-Law - All Forums]]></title>
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		<description>Tortured Daughters-In-Law - http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums</description>
		<pubDate>Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:58:46 -0400</pubDate>
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			<title><![CDATA[dh talked to sil]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1443</link>
			<pubDate>Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:01:44 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[She called twice on Sunday, and we didn't answer either time. My husband is the type that has to work through what he wants to say for DAYS ahead of time when he is upset, so he called her back today, from work.

This is the one who went off on me over a month ago. Without going into a lot of details, she kept arguments and drama brewing in the family by relaying what she considered "helpful" information- and the information was always really bad gossip that was being passed around about us, and caused&nbsp;&nbsp;me a great deal of frustration. When I asked her to stop- I said "I can not stop the seeds of anger this negativity plants in my heart from growing", she went off on me... about how she was our only supporter, our only friend in the family, how I talked down to her (she didn't like the language I repeated above, she said it was worded to make her feel stupid?!?!?! I thought I was wording it in a way to reflect how I *felt* without attacking her personally), etc. 

Then, a week later, another sister showed up on our property uninvited while we had an invited guest here from my family and lashed into my husband. She wanted to get me too, but I stayed indoors. She blamed my husband for some issues in her own family- between her and her son. Said my husbands "example of disrespect" he had shown to his own father and mother served as a poor role model for her GROWN son. Hmpfh. Demanded he apologize to his parents for HER sake, and my dh asked her to leave. 

So, I had told my dh I was "burned out" on his family and I needed time off from dealing with them. Because the previously mentioned sil has been nothing but wonderful to our kids and has been supportive to us (albeit in an unhealthy way), I was OK with her being in our lives, but still upset about how she talked to me. Cursed me and everything!!! Called me "overly sensitive"! Still needing some space from her as well, but not closing that door. 

DH returns her call today, and told her that we were "taking a break" from extended family. That we had so much on our plate with our own kids, lots going on, etc, and just needed to take care of things at home first. 

First, she thanked him for calling her. She told him she had over reacted to me, and she felt bad about what happened (it would help if she told ME that). She also said that following the confrontation with the other sil and dh, her mom and sister tried to bring her in on more gossip, and she said to them the same thing I told her! That she didn't want to hear negative stuff anymore about her brother. I guess some of what I said took root then, eh? She then said she understood and respected our decision!!! She&nbsp;&nbsp;repeated something to my dh that she shouldn't have, but she was vague. Shes usually very "to the point" and repeats things "word for word". She just told DH that his mom and the other sil was speaking very ugly about him, and we were better off. 

Under the circumstances I was worried dh might cave and invite her over. Really, even if she is sorry, she hasn't said so to ME, and I am still needing some distance. I have been sleeping much better since we made the decision to not take calls, emails and such from them, and not eager to open that door. As dh told her when she said she told her mom she didn't want to hear it, he said "old habits die hard". He told her we would call her when we were ready for company.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[She called twice on Sunday, and we didn't answer either time. My husband is the type that has to work through what he wants to say for DAYS ahead of time when he is upset, so he called her back today, from work.

This is the one who went off on me over a month ago. Without going into a lot of details, she kept arguments and drama brewing in the family by relaying what she considered "helpful" information- and the information was always really bad gossip that was being passed around about us, and caused&nbsp;&nbsp;me a great deal of frustration. When I asked her to stop- I said "I can not stop the seeds of anger this negativity plants in my heart from growing", she went off on me... about how she was our only supporter, our only friend in the family, how I talked down to her (she didn't like the language I repeated above, she said it was worded to make her feel stupid?!?!?! I thought I was wording it in a way to reflect how I *felt* without attacking her personally), etc. 

Then, a week later, another sister showed up on our property uninvited while we had an invited guest here from my family and lashed into my husband. She wanted to get me too, but I stayed indoors. She blamed my husband for some issues in her own family- between her and her son. Said my husbands "example of disrespect" he had shown to his own father and mother served as a poor role model for her GROWN son. Hmpfh. Demanded he apologize to his parents for HER sake, and my dh asked her to leave. 

So, I had told my dh I was "burned out" on his family and I needed time off from dealing with them. Because the previously mentioned sil has been nothing but wonderful to our kids and has been supportive to us (albeit in an unhealthy way), I was OK with her being in our lives, but still upset about how she talked to me. Cursed me and everything!!! Called me "overly sensitive"! Still needing some space from her as well, but not closing that door. 

DH returns her call today, and told her that we were "taking a break" from extended family. That we had so much on our plate with our own kids, lots going on, etc, and just needed to take care of things at home first. 

First, she thanked him for calling her. She told him she had over reacted to me, and she felt bad about what happened (it would help if she told ME that). She also said that following the confrontation with the other sil and dh, her mom and sister tried to bring her in on more gossip, and she said to them the same thing I told her! That she didn't want to hear negative stuff anymore about her brother. I guess some of what I said took root then, eh? She then said she understood and respected our decision!!! She&nbsp;&nbsp;repeated something to my dh that she shouldn't have, but she was vague. Shes usually very "to the point" and repeats things "word for word". She just told DH that his mom and the other sil was speaking very ugly about him, and we were better off. 

Under the circumstances I was worried dh might cave and invite her over. Really, even if she is sorry, she hasn't said so to ME, and I am still needing some distance. I have been sleeping much better since we made the decision to not take calls, emails and such from them, and not eager to open that door. As dh told her when she said she told her mom she didn't want to hear it, he said "old habits die hard". He told her we would call her when we were ready for company.]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome Jo_1963!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1442</link>
			<pubDate>Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:12:56 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome willow33!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1441</link>
			<pubDate>Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:59:56 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome Sum1sumwere!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1440</link>
			<pubDate>Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:44:38 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
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			<title><![CDATA[just curious... ex/MIL issues]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1439</link>
			<pubDate>Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:44:25 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[I am just curious what you ladies all think of this situation:

My FH's ex and my FMIL have recently begun to talk again (frequently) .... To be fair, there is a grandchild involved... so I realize that there would be contact from time to time.... HOWEVER, since MIL (all IL, actually) and I started having "issues"..... MIL and the ex have started communicating pretty regularly... even to the point (sorry to repeat information) that they INVITED the ex for a family weekend sleep over.. with the entire family (minus me and FH, or course)....

The ex is a greedy, spiteful, vindictive, manipulative woman who uses ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she can to "get to", to "sting", or "jab" at my FH.. So, she just LOVES it that MIL and SILs have started calling and emailing her again (I think it makes her feel better about herself - like maybe NOW they accept her and reject me...*which, might I add, is the point that they are trying to make to me by calling/emailing her....) PLUS, EX uses them to get information about my FH... things that she then tries to use against him.... They are dumb enough to fall right into her plan...

They each get something out of it... Ex loves to (1) gloat that they still contact her and miss her; and probably thinks she is "showing him" that he messed up by leaving her and (2) uses what they tell her against FH...
And the ILs LOVE the prove that they are going to "win" at any cost (they still don't want us together - and rarely speak to FH or me.... ).. and They get to gloat and throw it in his face that they "talk to" the EX regularly...&nbsp;&nbsp;--i.e. saying "we'll talk to the woman who you despise and who treated you like shit for 10 years, but we will not talk to you or the woman you love and chose to marry"....

SO, my question is this: do any of you think it is strange that my FMIL and my FH's Ex suddendly started talking/emailing regularly?
Isn't it odd? and kind of scary?]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[I am just curious what you ladies all think of this situation:

My FH's ex and my FMIL have recently begun to talk again (frequently) .... To be fair, there is a grandchild involved... so I realize that there would be contact from time to time.... HOWEVER, since MIL (all IL, actually) and I started having "issues"..... MIL and the ex have started communicating pretty regularly... even to the point (sorry to repeat information) that they INVITED the ex for a family weekend sleep over.. with the entire family (minus me and FH, or course)....

The ex is a greedy, spiteful, vindictive, manipulative woman who uses ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she can to "get to", to "sting", or "jab" at my FH.. So, she just LOVES it that MIL and SILs have started calling and emailing her again (I think it makes her feel better about herself - like maybe NOW they accept her and reject me...*which, might I add, is the point that they are trying to make to me by calling/emailing her....) PLUS, EX uses them to get information about my FH... things that she then tries to use against him.... They are dumb enough to fall right into her plan...

They each get something out of it... Ex loves to (1) gloat that they still contact her and miss her; and probably thinks she is "showing him" that he messed up by leaving her and (2) uses what they tell her against FH...
And the ILs LOVE the prove that they are going to "win" at any cost (they still don't want us together - and rarely speak to FH or me.... ).. and They get to gloat and throw it in his face that they "talk to" the EX regularly...&nbsp;&nbsp;--i.e. saying "we'll talk to the woman who you despise and who treated you like shit for 10 years, but we will not talk to you or the woman you love and chose to marry"....

SO, my question is this: do any of you think it is strange that my FMIL and my FH's Ex suddendly started talking/emailing regularly?
Isn't it odd? and kind of scary?]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Just feeling biotchy today]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1438</link>
			<pubDate>Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:14:48 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Since I can't stand my MIL and her conniving, idiotic, disapproving ways....I figured I'd just talk about yet another small but lame thing I can't stand about the woman.

OK, I realize that in some families, this may happen on occassion, but you must admit that MUCH of the time it is an arrogance thing:

My MIL gave her daughter the same name as her.&nbsp;&nbsp;She only changed the girl's middle name.&nbsp;&nbsp;And, true to form, the girl became evil just like her mother.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Since I can't stand my MIL and her conniving, idiotic, disapproving ways....I figured I'd just talk about yet another small but lame thing I can't stand about the woman.

OK, I realize that in some families, this may happen on occassion, but you must admit that MUCH of the time it is an arrogance thing:

My MIL gave her daughter the same name as her.&nbsp;&nbsp;She only changed the girl's middle name.&nbsp;&nbsp;And, true to form, the girl became evil just like her mother.]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome jizzba!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1437</link>
			<pubDate>Sun, 20 Jul 2008 21:43:43 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[I'm proud of my hubby!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1436</link>
			<pubDate>Sat, 19 Jul 2008 19:03:13 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[So, as I put in my latest post, my MIL sent a package for my son "out of the blue", and it "coincidentally" arrived on my daughter's bday. Inside the box was NOTHING for her, no card or anything (my daughter is from my previous marriage).&nbsp;&nbsp;So, my hubby emailed his mother and explained that my daughter was excited to see a package on her bday, only to discover nothing inside was for her.&nbsp;&nbsp;He said that in the future, if she cannot put something for both children in a package and remember that we have TWO children, then perhaps she shouldn't bother with a package at all. (Of course, that's what he told ME he said. He likely said it nicer than that to her.)

Her response? Well, as predicted, she got very defensive. She explained it was not intentional, and that clearly she cares about my daughter since "she" made her a quilt and gave it to her 2 months ahead of her bday. (In reality, her sister did most of the work on the quilt), and I'd rather not be impolite to say what I think of the quilt, but let's just say it's sitting in the closet.

You know, though, that's not the point.&nbsp;&nbsp;She brought gifts for our son AND my daughter when she came, so when she sent a box "out of the blue" for my son, she should have also included SOMETHING for my daughter.&nbsp;&nbsp;What's worse (sorry this info is a repeat) is that she sent WINTER clothes (yes, we're in summer now) that are 5 sizes too big. The note she included said "this is for winters to come".&nbsp;&nbsp;So, she can send a whole box full of clothes for YEARS from now for our son, and nothing at all for my daughter?

Her defensive response means NOTHING to me....but I am still very proud of my hubby for saying something to her.&nbsp;&nbsp;I will simply have to check each package before any children see them from now on....what a biotch!]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[So, as I put in my latest post, my MIL sent a package for my son "out of the blue", and it "coincidentally" arrived on my daughter's bday. Inside the box was NOTHING for her, no card or anything (my daughter is from my previous marriage).&nbsp;&nbsp;So, my hubby emailed his mother and explained that my daughter was excited to see a package on her bday, only to discover nothing inside was for her.&nbsp;&nbsp;He said that in the future, if she cannot put something for both children in a package and remember that we have TWO children, then perhaps she shouldn't bother with a package at all. (Of course, that's what he told ME he said. He likely said it nicer than that to her.)

Her response? Well, as predicted, she got very defensive. She explained it was not intentional, and that clearly she cares about my daughter since "she" made her a quilt and gave it to her 2 months ahead of her bday. (In reality, her sister did most of the work on the quilt), and I'd rather not be impolite to say what I think of the quilt, but let's just say it's sitting in the closet.

You know, though, that's not the point.&nbsp;&nbsp;She brought gifts for our son AND my daughter when she came, so when she sent a box "out of the blue" for my son, she should have also included SOMETHING for my daughter.&nbsp;&nbsp;What's worse (sorry this info is a repeat) is that she sent WINTER clothes (yes, we're in summer now) that are 5 sizes too big. The note she included said "this is for winters to come".&nbsp;&nbsp;So, she can send a whole box full of clothes for YEARS from now for our son, and nothing at all for my daughter?

Her defensive response means NOTHING to me....but I am still very proud of my hubby for saying something to her.&nbsp;&nbsp;I will simply have to check each package before any children see them from now on....what a biotch!]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[How should I deal with this...]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1435</link>
			<pubDate>Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:22:58 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[ I've been married for ten years. My mil is best friends with my sil. My sil has only been around for 8 years. I know that some people click and some people don't, but I feel like they rub it in my face. They always go shopping together, drink margaritas together, they even wear the same shoes!!!! I'm only human and can't help feel hurt. My mil is always rude, sarcastic and gives me funny looks. She has never attempted to get to know me. On top of this my mil lives with my sil and my sil hates me and is a witch. I told my husband I give up. He knows that I have tried and knows that his mom hurts me and says it's ok if I want to stay out of their lives. Should I be giving up? I come home from restuarants or from seeing my mil and I cry every single time. I don't think it's healthy for me. What do you guys think?:icon_sad:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[ I've been married for ten years. My mil is best friends with my sil. My sil has only been around for 8 years. I know that some people click and some people don't, but I feel like they rub it in my face. They always go shopping together, drink margaritas together, they even wear the same shoes!!!! I'm only human and can't help feel hurt. My mil is always rude, sarcastic and gives me funny looks. She has never attempted to get to know me. On top of this my mil lives with my sil and my sil hates me and is a witch. I told my husband I give up. He knows that I have tried and knows that his mom hurts me and says it's ok if I want to stay out of their lives. Should I be giving up? I come home from restuarants or from seeing my mil and I cry every single time. I don't think it's healthy for me. What do you guys think?:icon_sad:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome ohiogirlf!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1434</link>
			<pubDate>Fri, 18 Jul 2008 11:35:25 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome stacann!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1433</link>
			<pubDate>Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:45:29 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Does this make sense?]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1432</link>
			<pubDate>Wed, 16 Jul 2008 08:06:28 -0400</pubDate>
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			<description><![CDATA[First, this sil hasn't expected anymore of me than she expects of herself. And, until this past year, I have considered her a much loved friend. She is generous, compassionate, kind, and loves family. However, at the beginning of the year I started to evaluate our relationship. I realized that while she is an awesome friend, she really isn't that great of a sil...

When she is being a sil, she orders both of us around. Tells us how to manage our money, tells us how to raise our children (and we have twice as many as her), tells us what and how we should react to her family. She is extremely negative. But here is the worst. She is a pot stirrer. She was constantly calling me and telling me the gossip in the family about us. Now, before you react to strongly, she has always maintained she was on our side. She has had several huge arguments with her parents about the ongoing feud between us and them, where she stood up for us. So, when she would call, she would be giving us warnings like- "I am just letting you know that mom said she was sick of having to 'schedule appointments' to see her grandchildren and by the way, shes planning on popping in on you this week!", "I talked to ____ (another sil) and she says she is so angry at you, she is going to come slap your face!", "Dad is so mean he doesn't even acknowledge your marriage or speak your name- he calls you "THAT woman", etc.&nbsp;&nbsp;And here is the part that was making me want to pull my hair out... when I reacted to what she said, like "Fine then, see if we ever try to make up with him again(about his dad)" she would say "Oh, you want to be bigger than that, don't you? No, you should now try even harder to make up with him so he feels guilty for what he has said! Otherwise you're just like him!" I find this something to pull my hair out about. How can she tell me poison and expect me to swallow it with a smile? She begged me to have another sil over to my home after the babies were born. She is an addict, so I wouldn't budge. She begged and begged, saying that this sil's feelings were hurt and if I would PLEASE have her over, she would supervise her. So I did. When she was leaving, we both thanked her and my sil hugged her to tell her what a help she had been, and afterwards I said "I am glad you made me do this, it actually went well I think". She says "You think so? I found her passed out in the nursery while the kids were eating cardboard boxes". !!! And she thanked her, hugged her??? So I say "Thats the last time I have her in my house" and she says "That will make ___ feel bad about herself! She already has so many struggles, no, you should invite her again!". 

And over time I realized that none of his family had face to face conflicts with us. Everything I heard about them- all the ugliness- was things that was relayed to me through my sil. I started to think this was an unhealthy relationship, and that we were breeding negativity and it was causing me to hate my husbands family. And not only that, but where my sil said she was being "used" to relay information to us, I wondered if it couldn't just be her family venting and perhaps none of it was meant to ever reach our ears. I certainly slam my sister every now and then to my mom, and vice versa. Nothing I even meant, just ranting when she has gotten on my nerves over petty things I don't feel I need to address to her directly. If my sister or mom repeated those things, I would be completely devastated. And feel betrayed. 

And the worst is that I felt like hearing all this negativity affected my parenting. That there was no way for me to listen to all these "confidences" about trash being spoken about my dh and I, and it not make me frustrated and stressed. This all came to a climax a few months back when I emailed some pictures around and only sent to the addresses I had memorized. My sil went on and on about how it would be interpreted as me "purposefully shunning" certain members of her family. I kept saying "I have four kids under 2 years of age- I don't have time for this, just forward the pictures around to who wants them, I don't care who sees them, I just don't have the addresses memorized". She went on and on about how it would cause a big family blowup. Pictures! And then said "and its going to affect your dh... they will blame HIM!" I hung up the phone crying after telling her I would stop diapering the babies right that minute and go look up all the other addresses and send the pictures on TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

So, I made a decision to not listen to or participate in conversations about negativity again. And this has led to a huge blowup between us and my sil. She told me something VERY hurtful another sister said about me, and I told her that I would rather have not heard that. She said "Oh, you would rather have been taken off guard when she said it to your face?" and I said "Yes. Because as of yet she has never said ANYTHING to my face. But the seeds of bitterness that hearing this plans in my heart are going to grow and affect my relationship with her from hearing it from you. I would rather not participate in these sorts of conversations again".

She says "Your lashing out at ME and I didn't create this mess. I am in the middle so you're going to shoot the messenger?"

I said "Why are you in the middle? If it upsets you to hear these negative things being said about us, I can empathize. But do as I just did. The next time they start, say 'No, I would rather not hear this' and change the subject. Its not personal, its just an attempt to protect my heart from anger and frustration about situations beyond my control."

Now is that AWFUL? She told me off, told my husband off, and hasn't spoken to us in a month. Said she was our only supporter and now she sees how we treat our friends. That she can't believe how mean I was to her, and obviously I was taking out my anger on her family on HER and she is an innocent victim. She said this directly, in email, and on a call to my husband. I emailed her and told her I appreciated her support, and just because I didn't want to hear negative conversations didn't mean I didn't appreciate HER and would continue to. But that I had to do this for myself. She wrote me back and said I needed to learn how to apologize and how she wasn't used to dealing with overly sensitive people. I don't think I owe an apology so I haven't sent one. 

Anyhow, so now I wonder if I have been completely wrong about her all these years. I just can't imagine a "friend" treating me this way. Or my husband. And I made it very clear I was just setting those boundaries to make our relationship healthier!]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[First, this sil hasn't expected anymore of me than she expects of herself. And, until this past year, I have considered her a much loved friend. She is generous, compassionate, kind, and loves family. However, at the beginning of the year I started to evaluate our relationship. I realized that while she is an awesome friend, she really isn't that great of a sil...

When she is being a sil, she orders both of us around. Tells us how to manage our money, tells us how to raise our children (and we have twice as many as her), tells us what and how we should react to her family. She is extremely negative. But here is the worst. She is a pot stirrer. She was constantly calling me and telling me the gossip in the family about us. Now, before you react to strongly, she has always maintained she was on our side. She has had several huge arguments with her parents about the ongoing feud between us and them, where she stood up for us. So, when she would call, she would be giving us warnings like- "I am just letting you know that mom said she was sick of having to 'schedule appointments' to see her grandchildren and by the way, shes planning on popping in on you this week!", "I talked to ____ (another sil) and she says she is so angry at you, she is going to come slap your face!", "Dad is so mean he doesn't even acknowledge your marriage or speak your name- he calls you "THAT woman", etc.&nbsp;&nbsp;And here is the part that was making me want to pull my hair out... when I reacted to what she said, like "Fine then, see if we ever try to make up with him again(about his dad)" she would say "Oh, you want to be bigger than that, don't you? No, you should now try even harder to make up with him so he feels guilty for what he has said! Otherwise you're just like him!" I find this something to pull my hair out about. How can she tell me poison and expect me to swallow it with a smile? She begged me to have another sil over to my home after the babies were born. She is an addict, so I wouldn't budge. She begged and begged, saying that this sil's feelings were hurt and if I would PLEASE have her over, she would supervise her. So I did. When she was leaving, we both thanked her and my sil hugged her to tell her what a help she had been, and afterwards I said "I am glad you made me do this, it actually went well I think". She says "You think so? I found her passed out in the nursery while the kids were eating cardboard boxes". !!! And she thanked her, hugged her??? So I say "Thats the last time I have her in my house" and she says "That will make ___ feel bad about herself! She already has so many struggles, no, you should invite her again!". 

And over time I realized that none of his family had face to face conflicts with us. Everything I heard about them- all the ugliness- was things that was relayed to me through my sil. I started to think this was an unhealthy relationship, and that we were breeding negativity and it was causing me to hate my husbands family. And not only that, but where my sil said she was being "used" to relay information to us, I wondered if it couldn't just be her family venting and perhaps none of it was meant to ever reach our ears. I certainly slam my sister every now and then to my mom, and vice versa. Nothing I even meant, just ranting when she has gotten on my nerves over petty things I don't feel I need to address to her directly. If my sister or mom repeated those things, I would be completely devastated. And feel betrayed. 

And the worst is that I felt like hearing all this negativity affected my parenting. That there was no way for me to listen to all these "confidences" about trash being spoken about my dh and I, and it not make me frustrated and stressed. This all came to a climax a few months back when I emailed some pictures around and only sent to the addresses I had memorized. My sil went on and on about how it would be interpreted as me "purposefully shunning" certain members of her family. I kept saying "I have four kids under 2 years of age- I don't have time for this, just forward the pictures around to who wants them, I don't care who sees them, I just don't have the addresses memorized". She went on and on about how it would cause a big family blowup. Pictures! And then said "and its going to affect your dh... they will blame HIM!" I hung up the phone crying after telling her I would stop diapering the babies right that minute and go look up all the other addresses and send the pictures on TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

So, I made a decision to not listen to or participate in conversations about negativity again. And this has led to a huge blowup between us and my sil. She told me something VERY hurtful another sister said about me, and I told her that I would rather have not heard that. She said "Oh, you would rather have been taken off guard when she said it to your face?" and I said "Yes. Because as of yet she has never said ANYTHING to my face. But the seeds of bitterness that hearing this plans in my heart are going to grow and affect my relationship with her from hearing it from you. I would rather not participate in these sorts of conversations again".

She says "Your lashing out at ME and I didn't create this mess. I am in the middle so you're going to shoot the messenger?"

I said "Why are you in the middle? If it upsets you to hear these negative things being said about us, I can empathize. But do as I just did. The next time they start, say 'No, I would rather not hear this' and change the subject. Its not personal, its just an attempt to protect my heart from anger and frustration about situations beyond my control."

Now is that AWFUL? She told me off, told my husband off, and hasn't spoken to us in a month. Said she was our only supporter and now she sees how we treat our friends. That she can't believe how mean I was to her, and obviously I was taking out my anger on her family on HER and she is an innocent victim. She said this directly, in email, and on a call to my husband. I emailed her and told her I appreciated her support, and just because I didn't want to hear negative conversations didn't mean I didn't appreciate HER and would continue to. But that I had to do this for myself. She wrote me back and said I needed to learn how to apologize and how she wasn't used to dealing with overly sensitive people. I don't think I owe an apology so I haven't sent one. 

Anyhow, so now I wonder if I have been completely wrong about her all these years. I just can't imagine a "friend" treating me this way. Or my husband. And I made it very clear I was just setting those boundaries to make our relationship healthier!]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome traingirl!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1431</link>
			<pubDate>Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:14:35 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1431</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome crobben!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1430</link>
			<pubDate>Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:55:25 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1430</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[What in the world is her problem???]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1429</link>
			<pubDate>Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:44:42 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1429</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[So dh and I had a big weekend planned and weren't going to be home hardly at all....
Saturday MIL is complaining that we are never at home and she wanted some bug spray from dh (don't ask; she'd rather drive 30 min to our house than to just pick some up at Home Depot 5 min. away)
So dh told her she could come by sometime after dinner on Sun. when we would be home. 
Then yesterday morning she called and he said she could come now (early am) or wait until 8 or 9pm when we would be home again. She said she would come at 8 or 9 b/c they had plans for the day already (so why was she complaining we weren't at home?). Then like 30Mins. later when we are heading out the door... they pull up.... not just for bug spray but w/ beach bags and towels and their bathing suits! Dh and I were p*ssed but dh didn't know what to say; he mentioned that they had said they weren't coming until later that night but MIL was all "well I tried calling to tell you I wanted to come this morning instead and go swimming but you didn't answer" so APPARENTLY us not answering the phone b/c we were getting ready to leave means its okay to come over? So our plans we told you about 5 times meant NOTHING b/c you decided you wanted to go swimming? I was trying to make a point they weren't welcome by continuing to pack stuff up and throwing things around; a little childish but trying to make a point; they literally stayed for like 4 hours; laying in the sun doing cannonballs and what not! We couldn't leave b/c I don't want to leave the house unlocked and I couldn't lock the house b/c they had strewned all their stuff every where; they had a ton of stuff; it looked like they were heading for the beach! 
I told dh i thought that was the rudest thing ever and my parents wouldn't have ever even considered doing something like that; he agreed but still didn't know what to do; he figured they were gone and it was over.
But it ruined our day b/c instead of being out in the morning before the heat set in we had to do all our planned activities out in the blazing heat and humidity.... something isn't right with that woman.....]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[So dh and I had a big weekend planned and weren't going to be home hardly at all....
Saturday MIL is complaining that we are never at home and she wanted some bug spray from dh (don't ask; she'd rather drive 30 min to our house than to just pick some up at Home Depot 5 min. away)
So dh told her she could come by sometime after dinner on Sun. when we would be home. 
Then yesterday morning she called and he said she could come now (early am) or wait until 8 or 9pm when we would be home again. She said she would come at 8 or 9 b/c they had plans for the day already (so why was she complaining we weren't at home?). Then like 30Mins. later when we are heading out the door... they pull up.... not just for bug spray but w/ beach bags and towels and their bathing suits! Dh and I were p*ssed but dh didn't know what to say; he mentioned that they had said they weren't coming until later that night but MIL was all "well I tried calling to tell you I wanted to come this morning instead and go swimming but you didn't answer" so APPARENTLY us not answering the phone b/c we were getting ready to leave means its okay to come over? So our plans we told you about 5 times meant NOTHING b/c you decided you wanted to go swimming? I was trying to make a point they weren't welcome by continuing to pack stuff up and throwing things around; a little childish but trying to make a point; they literally stayed for like 4 hours; laying in the sun doing cannonballs and what not! We couldn't leave b/c I don't want to leave the house unlocked and I couldn't lock the house b/c they had strewned all their stuff every where; they had a ton of stuff; it looked like they were heading for the beach! 
I told dh i thought that was the rudest thing ever and my parents wouldn't have ever even considered doing something like that; he agreed but still didn't know what to do; he figured they were gone and it was over.
But it ruined our day b/c instead of being out in the morning before the heat set in we had to do all our planned activities out in the blazing heat and humidity.... something isn't right with that woman.....]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Not sure?]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1428</link>
			<pubDate>Sun, 13 Jul 2008 11:06:16 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1428</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[I am not sure I belong on this forum. I have been taking time to get to know everyone and their wicked mil's in all the mil forums, but the recurring theme seems to be DH's who "don't get it". My husband completely gets it and always has. I remember right before we got married one of my sil's said "Its ashame for my brother to be in the middle of these problems" and he responded "I am not in the middle, I am on the side of my future spouse, and I always will be". The problem for us has been that we aren't sure we want to separate ourselves from his entire side of the family- save one uncle. Its a very difficult choice and we are currently trying to decide just how to create healthy boundaries, or if we need to sever ties. And plus, I am a SAHM, and am usually the one who deals with them on a day to day basis. I guess this is where I need support.

Does anyone else have and have always had a supportive DH, but still winds up having to deal with inlaws?

Twinkletoes]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[I am not sure I belong on this forum. I have been taking time to get to know everyone and their wicked mil's in all the mil forums, but the recurring theme seems to be DH's who "don't get it". My husband completely gets it and always has. I remember right before we got married one of my sil's said "Its ashame for my brother to be in the middle of these problems" and he responded "I am not in the middle, I am on the side of my future spouse, and I always will be". The problem for us has been that we aren't sure we want to separate ourselves from his entire side of the family- save one uncle. Its a very difficult choice and we are currently trying to decide just how to create healthy boundaries, or if we need to sever ties. And plus, I am a SAHM, and am usually the one who deals with them on a day to day basis. I guess this is where I need support.

Does anyone else have and have always had a supportive DH, but still winds up having to deal with inlaws?

Twinkletoes]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[Welcome Jane!]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1427</link>
			<pubDate>Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:37:29 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1427</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Hot Damn! A new society member....Tell us about yourself! :icon_wink:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[I still have TWO kids]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1426</link>
			<pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:12:04 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1426</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[My daughter's bday was this week, and we got a notice from the post office that a package from Australia was waiting at the post office. Naturally, my daughter was excited thinking my MIL might have sent her a bday gift.&nbsp;&nbsp;She has been known in the past to send something along.&nbsp;&nbsp;So, I get the package and open it up....

Inside there are about 8 items of clothing for my 1 year old son. The kicker? These items were all 5 sizes too big and they are WINTER clothes. Winter jackets, sweaters, etc.&nbsp;&nbsp;This woman is well aware that we are in the middle of summer.&nbsp;&nbsp;She wrote a letter (to the baby) saying these were clothes for "this winter and winters to come".

There was NOTHING in the package for my daughter, nor any mention of her bday.&nbsp;&nbsp;She has 3 kids of her own, so she is not so much of an idiot not to realize that my 11 year old daughter (from my first marriage) would see the package and hope for something in it for her.

I was utterly floored. So, what was the purpose of mailing WINTER clothing that is 5 sizes too big for my son, but nothing for my daughter?

I'm still boggling about it, not to mention I am p!$$ed because naturally my daughter's feelings are hurt about it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Naturally, my wimpy hubby has nothing to say about it, and of course he would never confront his mommy about it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[My daughter's bday was this week, and we got a notice from the post office that a package from Australia was waiting at the post office. Naturally, my daughter was excited thinking my MIL might have sent her a bday gift.&nbsp;&nbsp;She has been known in the past to send something along.&nbsp;&nbsp;So, I get the package and open it up....

Inside there are about 8 items of clothing for my 1 year old son. The kicker? These items were all 5 sizes too big and they are WINTER clothes. Winter jackets, sweaters, etc.&nbsp;&nbsp;This woman is well aware that we are in the middle of summer.&nbsp;&nbsp;She wrote a letter (to the baby) saying these were clothes for "this winter and winters to come".

There was NOTHING in the package for my daughter, nor any mention of her bday.&nbsp;&nbsp;She has 3 kids of her own, so she is not so much of an idiot not to realize that my 11 year old daughter (from my first marriage) would see the package and hope for something in it for her.

I was utterly floored. So, what was the purpose of mailing WINTER clothing that is 5 sizes too big for my son, but nothing for my daughter?

I'm still boggling about it, not to mention I am p!$$ed because naturally my daughter's feelings are hurt about it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Naturally, my wimpy hubby has nothing to say about it, and of course he would never confront his mommy about it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[SIL~ part of the mob????]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1425</link>
			<pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 10:44:22 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1425</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[Well, my inlaws had three pigs. I say "had" because last month they had them butchered to put up in the freezer. Well, I prefer not to eat my pets,(well i thought they were pets, anyways,) but whatever. So, they didn't have enough room in there freezer for all three so, they decided to give one pig to SIL and one to DH. Well, me and my two year old son go to pick up our part of the meat, and my SIL is already at MILS house getting hers. Then SIL says to my 2 year old, "LOOK HERE!" and proceedes to pull out a bloody pig head in a clear plastic bag,, tongue and everything all hanging out, for my two year old to see!!! IS SHE CRAZY!??????? I snatched it away, and said," don't show him that, It will give him nightmares!!" They all rolled their eyes as if I were crazy, and got mad with me!!! I mean why did they save the head anyways???? I am beginning to think that I married into some sort of crazy cult or something!!! I mean, the pig head scared me, and I am 26 years old!!!! :icon_eek:]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[Well, my inlaws had three pigs. I say "had" because last month they had them butchered to put up in the freezer. Well, I prefer not to eat my pets,(well i thought they were pets, anyways,) but whatever. So, they didn't have enough room in there freezer for all three so, they decided to give one pig to SIL and one to DH. Well, me and my two year old son go to pick up our part of the meat, and my SIL is already at MILS house getting hers. Then SIL says to my 2 year old, "LOOK HERE!" and proceedes to pull out a bloody pig head in a clear plastic bag,, tongue and everything all hanging out, for my two year old to see!!! IS SHE CRAZY!??????? I snatched it away, and said," don't show him that, It will give him nightmares!!" They all rolled their eyes as if I were crazy, and got mad with me!!! I mean why did they save the head anyways???? I am beginning to think that I married into some sort of crazy cult or something!!! I mean, the pig head scared me, and I am 26 years old!!!! :icon_eek:]]></content:encoded>
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			<title><![CDATA[SIL has issues]]></title>
			<link>http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1424</link>
			<pubDate>Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:27:36 -0400</pubDate>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.tortureddaughtersinlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=1424</guid>
			<description><![CDATA[I haven't been been on here in awhile because things have improved since the wedding with my in-laws, except with my SIL, it's worse.

Lots of drama and games occurred pre-wedding. In laws (MIL, BIL) were either trying to get me to conform to their ways or get out. Neither happened. DH's neice and brother was supposed to be in our wedding. Brother removed himself and the neice (BIL's daughter) weeks before the wedding stating that he was offended that I never "officially" asked them if she could be in the wedding (DH and I decided neice would be in the wedding right from the beginning and it was discussed at family gatherings and MIL bought her a dress). Duh! I think we all knew!&nbsp;&nbsp;I interpreted this as another one of their control games and ignored it. Things got very bad before the wedding. I made 3 or 4 attempts to call SIL to ask if we could all meet and discuss things because I did not understand what was going on. The first time she agreed but BIL got pissed off and wrote a nasty email to DH. By the last attempt, SIL hung up on me, so that was the end of my attempts to try to get neice back into the wedding. SIL made it clear that was not going to happen. 

Right after the wedding, the family holiday dinner was tense. BIL and SIL ignored DH and I. I stared at BIL all day, laughing silently because he was not able to run me off (DH's other fiances took off!).&nbsp;&nbsp;His daughter would not talk to us either (she's 10), A couple of months after the wedding, MIL started going to counseling. She called me one day to discuss our issues and we gradually worked them out over the next few months. Now we understand each other better and are able to comunicate and get along. I caled SIL to say hi a few months later. We talked for an hour (nothing heavy) and everything seemed fine, then a few weeks later she started bitching about me again (wedding drama). I have made no effort with her since. Whats the point?

We were all at a family gathering for the first time a month ago.
Neice was happy to see us and hugged us and was very talkative. BIL was friendly to me and has been since. SIL ignored me, MIL, and DH (and I was happy to ignore her right back). SIL still ignores us and talks trash about me behind my back, rehashing wedding BS. She can't come up with anything new, I guess. She is the only one left that I'm not getting along with now. Her and I had no problems until right before the wedding. So what's her issue?]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[I haven't been been on here in awhile because things have improved since the wedding with my in-laws, except with my SIL, it's worse.

Lots of drama and games occurred pre-wedding. In laws (MIL, BIL) were either trying to get me to conform to their ways or get out. Neither happened. DH's neice and brother was supposed to be in our wedding. Brother removed himself and the neice (BIL's daughter) weeks before the wedding stating that he was offended that I never "officially" asked them if she could be in the wedding (DH and I decided neice would be in the wedding right from the beginning and it was discussed at family gatherings and MIL bought her a dress). Duh! I think we all knew!&nbsp;&nbsp;I interpreted this as another one of their control games and ignored it. Things got very bad before the wedding. I made 3 or 4 attempts to call SIL to ask if we could all meet and discuss things because I did not understand what was going on. The first time she agreed but BIL got pissed off and wrote a nasty email to DH. By the last attempt, SIL hung up on me, so that was the end of my attempts to try to get neice back into the wedding. SIL made it clear that was not going to happen. 

Right after the wedding, the family holiday dinner was tense. BIL and SIL ignored DH and I. I stared at BIL all day, laughing silently because he was not able to run me off (DH's other fiances took off!).&nbsp;&nbsp;His daughter would not talk to us either (she's 10), A couple of months after the wedding, MIL started going to counseling. She called me one day to discuss our issues and we gradually worked them out over the next few months. Now we understand each other better and are able to comunicate and get along. I caled SIL to say hi a few months later. We talked for an hour (nothing heavy) and everything seemed fine, then a few weeks later she started bitching about me again (wedding drama). I have made no effort with her since. Whats the point?

We were all at a family gathering for the first time a month ago.
Neice was happy to see us and hugged us and was very talkative. BIL was friendly to me and has been since. SIL ignored me, MIL, and DH (and I was happy to ignore her right back). SIL still ignores us and talks trash about me behind my back, rehashing wedding BS. She can't come up with anything new, I guess. She is the only one left that I'm not getting along with now. Her and I had no problems until right before the wedding. So what's her issue?]]></content:encoded>
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